Catty, Bitchy Queens

Rubble

2012-01-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: The floor's caving in!

Prisms is about to become a pile of rubble.

I ran over to Jeremy and grabbed him.

ME: We have to get out of here.
JEREMY: Where's Ritchie and Joey?
ADAM: They went after the gunman.
JEREMY: I still don't know where Jackson is!
ME: Jeremy, there's no time. It sounds like a bomb went off downstairs!

I started feeling shaking underneath my feet.

I'd had enough negotiating for the night.

ME: Adam, we're going. Come on.
JEREMY: Not without Paige and Jackson!

He tore away from me and ran towards the door.

I didn't want to see Jeremy die, but I sure as hell wasn't going to get killed trying to save him.

ME: Come on, Adam!

We ran to the fire door, and down the fire escape.

Outside, there was nothing but insanity.

The lights were out, it looked like there was smoke in the distance, and the second floor of Prisms was completely blown out.

ME: This is nuts.

I felt someone grab me by the shoulder.

BEN: Where's Jeremy?
ME: He's still in the--

But before I could finish, another bomb went off, and the rest of the building collapsed.

And then everyone started running.

Our Guy in the Field

2012-01-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JOEY: Ritchie, is that you?

I wanted to do this alone, but I needed a cameraman.

ME: Joey, you're coming with me.
JOEY: I can't see anything.
ME: It sounds like there was an explosion outside. That must have knocked out the power.
JOEY: So we're not dead?
ME: Not yet.
JOEY: Oh--wait, what?

I saw the gunman take off down the stairs leading to the second floor of the club. I grabbed Joey by the arm, and pulled him downstairs.

JOEY: What are we doing?
ME: We have to find the gunman.
JOEY: Why?
ME: So we can find out who he is. I have to get him to take off the mask.
JOEY: Like in Phantom of the Opera?
ME: Sure. Let's go with that.

We made it to the second floor in time to see the gunman heading out the back stairway.

ME: Hey!

He turned around to look at me.

ME: Who's under the mask, huh?

At first I thought he was giving me the thumbs up, then I saw him hit the button again.

That's when the second bomb went off, and the second floor went crashing to the first.

My Hero

2012-01-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

Boom!

The lights just went out.

The last thing I saw was Nathan pointing his gun at the guy holding us all hostage, who then pushed a button that would have seemingly detonated the bomb strapped to his chest, but instead, we heard an explosion outside somewhere, and all the lights went off in the building.

People started yelling.

I couldn't really focus. My arm was throbbing from where the gunman had shot me.

Then I felt someone's hand on my shoulder.

VOICE: We have to get you out of here.

I felt somebody pick me up, and carry me down the stairs and out of the building.

There were people running around everywhere, but the street lights were out. The gunman must have done something to the power throughout the city.

Some EMT's grabbed me, but I wanted to see who had gotten me out of the building safely.

Unfortunately, I was in and out of consciousness, and before I knew it. I'd passed out completely.

I could still feel the warmth in that person's arms though.

They felt so safe.

And it might ridiculous to say this, but...

It was the safest I'd felt in a long time.

Now We Have a Situation

2012-01-27T14:32:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

LIAM: Nooo!!!

I just shot the Mayor.

BEN: Nathan, where the hell did you get a gun from?
NATHAN: I--

No. I have to focus.

The gunman looked shocked that I just shot someone and it wasn't him. Hank and Ken ran over and tackled him, knocking his own gun out of his hand and sending it flying across the floor. Joey and Jeremy ran over to Davis, who was already shaking.

A puddle of blood was forming around him.

JEREMY: We need to get him to a hospital.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentlemen, we are live from Prisms where--
JEREMY: Not the time, Ritchie!
GUNMAN: Everybody freeze!

The gunman had his hand on a switch.

ADAM: Oh right, the bomb.

Hank got up and backed away from the gunman.

GUNMAN: I didn't realize things were going to get so violent.
ME: Go ahead. Flip the switch.
ALL: No!
ME: He's bluffing. Otherwise, he would have blown us sky-high when the gun went off.
GUNMAN: I'm not as jumpy as you are, Nathan.
ME: Then go ahead, do it.
BEN: Nathan--

I had to take this guy out one way or another. He knows everything about my business. No way was he walking out of here alive.

ME: You heard me. Do it.

And he did.

And everybody screamed.

And then we heard the explosion.

Marital Interference

2012-01-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Don't panic, Liam
LIAM: I have a gun pointed at my head, Joey.
ME: Yeah, maybe you should panic.

We were all waiting for Davis to walk into the club so that the gunman wouldn't shoot Liam, but Liam was only making things difficult.

LIAM: DAVIS, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, DON'T COME IN!
ME: He's outside. He can't hear you.
LIAM: Ugh!
ADAM: Why don't you want him to come in here? Are you crazy?
LIAM: Davis is the mayor. He can't walk into a gunfight.
GUNMAN: Trust me, it won't be much of a fight.
BEN: I say 'Get him in here.' We're all here. Why shouldn't he be?
NATHAN: I agree.
HANK: Me too.
LIAM: I'M THE ONE WITH THE GUN POINTED AT MY HEAD!
RITCHIE: Guys, I think Billy's about to pass out.

That's what happens when you get shot in the arm.

NATHAN: Hey Gunman, why don't you at least let Billy go so he doesn't bleed out in here?
GUNMAN: He's fine. It's just a flesh wound.
ME: Yeah, it looks--
NATHAN: Shut up, Joey!

That was when I saw the gun tucked behind his back.

Maybe we were going to have a gunfight after all.

NATHAN: At least look at the wound. You can see from here it's bad.

The Gunman leaned over to look at Billy's arm, and that's when Nathan pulled out his gun.

JEREMY: Nathan, no!
ADAM: The bomb!

But then the door on the other side of the club opened, and Davis walked in.

And Nathan missed the gunman.

And shot Davis.

LIAM: NO!

And Davis hit the floor.

Q&A

2012-01-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

BEN: I married Nathan, because I love him! Why else would you marry someone?

With this group, 'love' isn't always the obvious answer.

Most of us were still per-occupied with Billy, who'd just been shot in the arm.

Still, we had to stay focused or we'd be next in line for a bullet.

GUNMAN: So you stopped loving Jeremy?
BEN: You can't go by that book. Jeremy...exaggerated things.
JEREMY: Excuse me?
ME: Well, you did say I was five seven when I'm five eight. Everything else was pretty much true.
JEREMY: Ben, are you trying to say you had no--
NATHAN: Jeremy, relax. The lunatic is trying to bait us.
GUNMAN: I'm just trying to get the facts.
HANK: Who are you? Diane Sawyer?

The gunman fired a shot near Hank's foot.

HANK: HEY! I'M JUST SAYING!
RITCHIE: Why don't you let me ask some questions? I'm a professional. We can start with whether or not anybody here was touched inappropriately as a child.
KEN: Like before or after the age of nineteen?
GUNMAN: Don't worry, Ritchie. I'm in total control.
ME: So to speak.

He swung his gun around towards me.

I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

GUNMAN: You know, it's really hard to conduct this interview without Davis. I mean, he is pretty crucial to this group.
JOEY: He said he can't come in because he's the mayor.
GUNMAN: And this--

He pointed the gun at Liam.

GUNMAN: --is his campaign manager, isn't it?
ME: And his wife.
LIAM: Shut up, Adam!

The gunman laughed, then he looked into the camera.

GUNMAN: I'm giving Mayor Davis five minutes to get in here and join the party or he's going to need to find himself a new campaign manager.
ME: And a wife.
LIAM: SHUT UP!
GUNMAN: Five minutes.

I could almost hear the clock ticking in my head.

Let's Talk About the Past

2012-01-24T01:01:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

GUNMAN: And we're live!

The past is my least favorite thing.

GUNMAN: Ladies and gentleman, you are watching the first CBQ Reunion in five years!

And now I was being forced to rehash it.

GUNMAN: So, let's get started.

At gun point, no less.

The crazy gunman had turned the third floor of Prisms into a talk show set using the camera Ritchie smuggled in, a few others he must have brought in himself.

We were all sitting in chairs waiting to see what his next surprise was going to be.

Jackson and Paige were still nowhere to be found.

JEREMY: I thought I was going to see my brother?
GUNMAN: As long as we put on a good show, you will.
ME: This is sick.
GUNMAN: Ben, I'm so glad you spoke up. My first question is for you. Why did you marry Nathan?

Oh damn.

NATHAN: We're not doing this.
GUNMAN: Oh, but we are.
NATHAN: No, we're not. We're not letting some masked maniac drag up the past just because you're a fan of that awful tv show based on the book Jeremy wrote.
JOEY: It actually wasn't that bad--
ALL: Shut up, Joey!
ADAM: Ask me a question. I have nothing to hide.
GUNMAN: That's exactly why I'm not asking you any questions.
BILLY: Ben, just tell him why you married Nathan so we can move on.
ME: I--

There's no way. Maybe if we weren't on television, but I couldn't--

That's when the gunman shot Billy in the arm.

A few of the guys went running towards the gunman, but that's when he opened his shirt.

HANK: Oh boy.

And there was the bomb.

GUNMAN: Now, let's try that again. Ben, why did you marry Nathan?

That's when I knew it was going to be a long night.

Everything's Negotiable

2012-01-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: What the hell is taking so long?
KATE: I know! We should have been live ten minutes ago! The camera I sent Ritchie in with isn't giving us any feed.
ME: I'm not talking about your show. We need to get them out of there or that guy is going to start shooting.
KATE: Is the hostage negotiator here yet? I hear the police were sending in the best guy they have.
ME: I don't need a hostage negotiator. I'm great at diffusing awful situations. That's how I became mayor.
VOICE: Well, I guess I can just go home then.

When I turned around, I almost dropped my bullhorn.

PAUL: Long time, no see.
KATE: You two know each other?
PAUL: We sure do. Some parts better than others.

Leave it to me to hook up with the hostage negotiator.

ME: I, uh--
PAUL: Do you want my help?
ME: Yes, that would be, uh--
KATE: He's just a little rattled because his husband is in there.

Oh great...

PAUL: Husband, huh?
KATE: And campaign manager.
PAUL: Sounds like a busy guy. How does he manage to keep tabs on you?
KATE: Please! On this tramp? He sleeps with every guy in town. We've done at least nine shows on it. "America's Sluttiest Gay Mayor." They're great for sweeps week. Anyway, I have to go talk to my sound guy. Let me know if there are any developments.

She left me alone with Paul.

PAUL: This is what I get for not watching tv.
ME: I was also on the cover of The Advocate.
PAUL: What was the headline? Mayor Gives Syphilis to Half the City?
ME: Look, I hope this doesn't affect us working together here.
PAUL: We're not working together. I have a job to do. You stay out of my way, and I'll get your hostages and your husband out of there. Deal?
ME: Deal.

I didn't think it would sound appropriate to ask if he could leave Liam in there and let God do the rest.

Things are always a little more complicated than they seem.

Someone Call Bravo

2012-01-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

GUNMAN: EVERYBODY OUT!

Ten hours ago, I was making quiche for a dinner party.

JOEY: Jeremy, can you hold my hand.
ME: Sure, Joey.
HANK: Can you stand in front of me?
ME: Not funny.
HANK: Not kidding.

As the hostages ran out the open doors, the CBQ's got hustled into a corner by the gun-wielding maniac. He even made Ritchie surrender his camera.

GUNMAN: You won't be needing that. We're all set here.
RITCHIE: Set like you're going to kill us?
GUNMAN: Hahaha, oh Ritchie.
RITCHIE: Is that a yes?
GUNMAN: By the way--

He pointed to Tony.

GUNMAN: Who's that guy?
TONY: I'm Eli.
GUNMAN: No, you're not.
ADAM: So much for that plan.
GUNMAN: I'll be right back.

He went back to the doors to lock us in again.

LIAM: I shouldn't even be here. I never even got to narrate an episode on that stupid tv show.
NATHAN: Everybody just stay calm. I have a plan.
BEN: Really? YOU have a plan?
NATHAN: Don't sound so shocked.
BILLY: Nathan, don't do anything stupid.
ADAM: In which case, just don't do anything.
JOEY: I don't see Jackson or Paige.
VOICE: That's because--

The gunman had cleared out the room. Now his full attention was on us.

GUNMAN: They're upstairs prepping for the show.
JEREMY: What show?
GUNMAN: Haven't you guessed?

That's when it hit me.

GUNMAN: The live reunion show!

We were going on air.

We're All Going In

2012-01-22T23:34:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: What do you mean you're not going in?

Davis had just informed us that after spending all night reuniting the CBQ's, he was going to sit back and let us all risk our lives while he stayed outside.

DAVIS: I'm the Mayor. I can't walk into a hostage situation.
RITCHIE: I'm doing it, and I'm a celebrity.
DAVIS: You're a talk show host.
RITCHIE: I'm syndicated.

Jeremy grabbed Davis by the shoulders.

JEREMY: Davis, my brother is in there.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I understand that but--
JEREMY: Since when do you back away from a challenge?
VOICE: Since the entire city started relying on him.

We all turned around to see another blast from the past.

ME: Liam?
LIAM: You can call me, Mr. Davis.
JEREMY: But Davis is Davis.
LIAM: And I'm his husband.
ME: WHAT?
LIAM: And his campaign manager.
JEREMY: Is this a joke?
DAVIS: I'm...yeah, no.

Man, this town went to hell fast.

ME: Look Liam, we know that if the Mayor of Providence got killed, awful things would happen. All eight stores downtown would have to close for the day.
HANK: It would take them three hours to elect someone new.
BEN: Four hours to corrupt that guy--
DAVIS: Hey!
NATHAN: We didn't go through all this so Davis could back out.
DAVIS: Look, we'll send in another decoy. It'll be fine.
TONY: Then I'd have a friend!
KEN: I'll do it!
ALL: No!

This was spiraling out of control.

JOEY: Guys, he's not going to keep them in there forever.
BILLY: You're right. Eventually he's just going to start shooting.
JOEY: I meant, maybe one day he'll just let them go.
ME: I can't believe we dated.
JEREMY: Davis--
LIAM: The answer's no, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Fine.

He grabbed Liam's arm.

JEREMY: Then I guess we'll have to take somebody else from the good old days.
LIAM: What?
JEREMY: Maybe he'll like you better than Davis, Liam. You always managed to cause more trouble than him, and that's a real accomplishment.
LIAM: I'm too--I can't--Davis!
DAVIS: Well, it does seem like a nice alternative plan.
LIAM: I'll kill you for this.
ME: That'd be easier than a divorce.
JEREMY: Give me a bullhorn.

Someone handed it to him. Liam looked like he was going to vomit all over his cheap suit.

JEREMY: WE'RE COMING IN!

And as we walked through the doors of Prisms, the crowd that had gathered let out a roar.

And I wondered if it would be the last thing I'd ever hear.

Educating Eli

2012-01-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: You have to say 'Love' a lot.
TONY: Love?
ME: No, like with an exclamation point.
TONY: Love!
ME: Now eh.
TONY: Love eh?
ME: Exclamation point.
TONY: Love eh!
ME: Sadly, that's kind of perfect.

We were all taking turns trying to turn Adam's boyfriend Tony into a passable Eli.

With the gunman's patience running out, we had to get every CBQ into Prisms before he started shooting.

Unfortunately, Eli moved to London a few years ago and nobody's heard from him since.

That meant Plan B.

BEN: Tony looks nothing like Eli.
ADAM: How's the shooter going to know that? Jeremy's book didn't have pictures.
JOEY: What if saw old photos from the Wilde Blog?
NATHAN: We don't have a choice. This is the best we can do.
DAVIS: Is that what you're going to say the crazy person? Sorry, this was the best we could do?
TONY: What if he shoots me?
JEREMY: He's not going to shoot you.
BILLY: He might shoot all of us.
JEREMY: Nobody's getting shot.

We're all going to die.

ADAM: Look, it's this or nothing. It's not like we can beam Eli here from London.
TONY: I don't know about--
ADAM: Shut up, Tony!
TONY: Okay.

Must be nice having an assistant.

NATHAN: There are ten of us. I doubt he's going to do one-on-one interviews.
BEN: What DOES he want?
JEREMY: Only one way to find out. Time to go in.
DAVIS: Wait.

Everybody turned and looked at Davis.

DAVIS: You might need another actor.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because I'm not going in either.

Wow.

Now there might be a shooting outside the club.

It Wouldn't Be the Same Without...

2012-01-19T00:14:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

KATE: This is going to be ratings gold.

It never occurred to me that one day I'd be the biggest story on my own show.

KATE: The camera's hooked up right underneath--
DAVIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not going into Prisms with a camera.
ME: Of course I am. I'm a journalist.
HANK: Please, you're morning fluff. You're what people watch when Kelly Ripa takes a sick day.
ME: I hope you get shot first.
DAVIS: Nobody is getting shot, because none of us are going in there. This is insane. We don't negotiate with terrorists.
VOICE: You got a better idea?

We turned around to see Jeremy approaching with Adam and--

ME: Billy?
BILLY: We have to do whatever we can. If the crazy person wants to reunite the CBQ's then that's what he's going to get.

Ben and Joey pulled up a few minutes later with a guy named Ken who Joey said was his second husband--whatever that means.

HANK: Okay, so the gang's all here.
JEREMY: Once Nathan comes back, we'll use one of the bullhorns and tell the gunman that we're coming inside.
ADAM: What does he want to have us do? Act out scenes from that stupid book of yours?
JEREMY: Hey!
BEN: You know, Jeremy, if you'd just--
JEREMY: I don't want to hear it! It was my right to write a book. Just like it was my right to leave here and never come back. I wasn't aware I was going to get dragged back here by more Rhode Island theatrics?
ME: Rhode Island theatrics? Wow, where did you move to? Douchebag Junction?
JEREMY: Ritchie--
ME: Don't flatter yourself by thinking that any of us missed you. And don't talk about getting dragged back here either. You're the one who wants to save your brother. He's an even bigger asshole than you are, if that's possible. While you were gone--
BEN: Let's not get into it.
JEREMY: No, please. Get into it! I'm sure Jackson's done a lot of bad while I've been gone, but I doubt you all have been saints either. Aside from Billy, of course, who's turned into celibate heterosexual.
HANK: What?
BILLY: I knew I shouldn't have come.
ME: NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE!

I grabbed the camera from my cameraman, and turned it off.

ME: I'm about to say something I never say--This conversation is off the record. Now look, I don't give a damn about Jackson or any of you, but I want this story. So we're going to go in there, we're going to give this lunatic whatever he wants, we're going to save the day, and then you're all going to do a riveting interview with me, because we're the CBQ's, and as much as we all might hate each other, we are--like it or not--connected. We have always been connected, and we always will be, and it sucks that it took somebody pointing a gun at one of us for everybody to realize that. Now, give me a damn bullhorn so I can let the crazed psychopath know his wish is about to come true.

VOICE: Not so fast.

Nathan.

Great, I thought, the reunion is complete.

NATHAN: We're missing somebody.
JOEY: What?
DAVIS: No, we're not. There's ten of us. There's always ten.
NATHAN: Remember all the names he listed?
JEREMY: The fake names from my book. There were--
NATHAN: Eleven. He listed eleven names.
BEN: But who--
HANK: Oh no.
BILLY: You mean--

F#$k.

RITCHIE: Eli.

We forgot about Eli.

A Mission from God

2012-01-17T16:10:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

EMMA: So you all went to church together?
JEREMY: All the time.
ADAM: We were regular church freaks.

I had to get these two out of my apartment.

Emma sent her brother, Tom, to pick up my future mother-in-law from the airport. So far, she was buying the "religious friends from childhood just happened to pop by" act, but I knew that wouldn't last long. Emma's pretty sharp.

EMMA: So, are you two also former homosexuals?

And pretty blunt.

JEREMY: Uh.
ADAM: Yes, we're recovering. Three years for me. Two weeks for Jeremy here.

Jeremy elbowed him in the side.

JEREMY: He's kidding. Haha that kidder.
EMMA: Well, let me just get everybody something to drink.
ADAM: I could use some vodka.
EMMA: Oh, we don't keep liquor.
ADAAM: Do you give it away?
JEREMY: Haha again, kidder. This kidder. Kid, kid, kidder.

Emma smiled and went off to get the drinks, but before she went into the kitchen, she gave me the "my mother is coming soon so get rid of these weirdoes" look.

As soon as she was out of earshot, I leaned forward and whispered.

ME: What are you guys doing here?
JEREMY: I tried texting you--about the shooting.
ME: That's terrible, but what am I supposed to do about it?
JEREMY: You have to come with us to Prisms.
ME: Are you insane?
ADAM: We're insane? You're getting married to a woman!
ME: I've changed!
ADAM: Into what? You're talking about sexuality like it's a cardigan!
JEREMY: Hey! I don't want to argue about this--
ME: Yes, we need to keep our voices down.
JEREMY: Billy, my brother and sister are in that club. This person--this admittedly crazy person--wants us to go there. All of us. I don't know why, but I know if we don't go, he'll kill them and whoever else is in there. Now, please, can you please come with us?
ADAM: It's what Jesus would do, Billy.

He had to throw that last comment in there.

ADAM: By the way, your future brother-in-law is kind of hot. Although I'm sure you already noticed that.

Actually, all I'd been noticing for the past ten minutes was Jeremy.

I tried to ignore it, but...

It was really good to see him.

Leave the Maid a Good Tip

2012-01-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

ME: This better be good.
RICHARD: 'Good' isn't the word I'd use.

Once we got back downtown, I managed to sneak away from Ben and the CBQ's using the excuse that I needed to go by a drink to steady my nerves.

In reality, I needed to check up on business.

Richard is my partner, and as far as Ben knows, he and I run an event consulting firm.

Nobody has any idea what an event consultant would do, including me, so it works out perfectly.

My real job isn't something Ben would be thrilled with, so I keep it under wraps.

I met Richard at the Westin, and we went up to our usual room.

RICHARD: He must have come back and broken in after our latest conversation.
ME: I told you never to meet with anyone in the room.
RICHARD: It seemed harmless.
ME: Or maybe you wanted to test out his skills.
RICHARD: Don't insult me, Nathan.
ME: All I know is that some crazy person somehow managed to get hired by my company, and now he's holding every gay person in Providence hostage. If somebody starts connecting the dots, we're both screwed.
RICHARD: Well then we need to make sure nobody does.

The room was a disaster. The bed was flipped over, drawers were ransacked, and there was blood in more than a few places.

ME: I wonder if the blood was his.
RICHARD: We can only hope.
ME: What's missing?
RICHARD: Some cash, some liquor from the mini-bar--

That's when it hit me.

ME: Not the--
RICHARD: --and the book.

The Book.

ME: He has it?
RICHARD: He must. It's gone.
ME: We have to get it back.
RICHARD: Then I guess it's a good thing he's requesting your presence.

Richard handed me his gun.

RICHARD: I doubt anybody would blame you if our delinquent employee wound up with a bullet in his head, wouldn't you say? You'd probably even look like a hero.

That may be true.

But the bigger question is--

Would he be the only one I'd have to shoot?

But Most of Us Are Baritones

2012-01-17T14:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Morgan, when you wake up, I just want you to know that I'm sorry Ben punched you, and I love you, and I'll see you when I'm done with the hostage situation. K, bye.

He was going to be angry.

NATHAN: Did we have to bring Sister Wife #2?
KEN: My name is Ken.
NATHAN: Stop! I don't want to hear names. I don't want to know anything about this perverse arrangement you have going on.

I forgot how high and mighty Nathan could be.

ME: Like you guys never had threeways.
NATHAN: Threeways, yes. A threeway marriage? No.
BEN: Look, we just need to get downtown so we can get this all straightened out.
NATHAN: You make it sound like we're just unclogging a pipe. We could all be killed.
ME: I don't have to do anything dangerous, right?
NATHAN: No, Joey. The shooter just wants to braid your hair.
ME: BUT I JUST GOT IT CUT!

Oh wait, he was teasing me.

I haven't been teased in awhile.

KEN: My phone is totes blowing up.
ME: Is it Morgan?
KEN: No, it's all my friends talking about how you guys are getting back together.
NATHAN: We're not the League of Justice.
KEN: You're, like, way better. Everybody knows Jeremy's book. Plus, there's the tv series.
NATHAN: We should have sued him.
BEN: He didn't use our real names.
NATHAN: You're right, Ren. Nobody would know it's us.

The guy who plays me on the tv show is kinda hot, but I feel weird thinking about myself that way.

NATHAN: We wouldn't even be in this mess if Jeremy hadn't written that stupid book. Now some crazed fan wants to get us all together and shoot us.
KEN: Hey, are you guys going to do a musical number?

Ben and Nathan let out a frustrated sigh.

I didn't say anything, but to be honest--

A musical number sounded kind of fun.

The Hippo Speaks

2012-01-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Why couldn't we have gone and gotten Joey?
JEREMY: Because if Joey opened the door and saw you after all this time, he might drop dead, and we need him alive.
ME: I didn't hear the gunman stipulate that.

Ben and Nathan went to get Joey, while Jeremy and I were put in charge of getting Billy.

ME: You just wanted to get Billy so you could see if he really turned straight.
JEREMY: That's not true.
ME: Okay, but what if he is straight? What'll you do?
JEREMY: That's like asking me what I'd do if a hippopotamus told me it was a giraffe.
ME: I think the hippo talking would be the bigger issue.

The door opened to reveal a boy in a pink tank top.

JEREMY: Oh thank goodness.
FLAMBO: Hi there!
JEREMY: You must be Billy's boyfriend.
FLAMBO: Billy's boyfriend? Hahaha that's a good one.
JEREMY: Why is that a good one?
FLAMBO: Because he's dating my sister.
JEREMY: Ohhh boy.

Just then, Billy appeared in the doorway.

BILLY: Who is--whoa.
ME: And the hippo speaks.
JEREMY: Hi Billy.
FLAMBO: You know these guys?
VOICE: Billy, we're going to be late picking Mom up at the airport!
JEREMY: We're, uh, old friends from--
ME: Jesus Camp.

Everybody looked at me.

ME: Shalom.

That's right, right?

Which One Is Your Husband?

2012-01-17T11:48:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Remind me how we got stuck with this job.
ME: We're running out of time. The shooter wants all of us there by midnight.
NATHAN: If you think I'm walking into that club so some nutjob can take me hostage.
ME: Don't say anything to Joey about--

That was when the door opened.

ME: Hi Morgan.
MORGAN: Hello boys. Can I help you?
ME: We need to see Joey.
MORGAN: We're a little busy.
NATHAN: Trying to figure out who gets to be the cream in the Oreo tonight?
ME: Nathan--
MORGAN: Oh Nathan, so judgmental.
NATHAN: Please, Solomon wouldn't touch this situation with a ten-foot pole. JOEY!
MORGAN: Joey and Ken are sharing some one-on-one time. Then I'll be joining them for--
NATHAN: You can stop there. The vomit's already creeping up my esophagus. JOEY!

Joey appeared in the doorway wearing a red robe with what looked like leather underwear underneath it.

NATHAN: Oh God, it's worse than I thought.
JOEY: Is this about the shooting?
ME: We need you to come to Prisms with us. We can explain on the way there.
MORGAN: Absolutely not.
NATHAN: Stay out of this, Heller.
MORGAN: We'd have to talk about this as a family.
ME: Joey, please, it's for Jackson.
JOEY: Uh--
ME: And Paige! Paige is there too.
NATHAN: Plus, every other gay in the tri-state area. Even Jeremy showed up.
JOEY: Jeremy's here?
NATHAN: Yeah, apparently we're getting the band back together.
MORGAN: Joey, I forbid this.

Remember that he said that, because it meant he wasn't leaving me much of a choice.

ME: Fine.

I punched Morgan. He went down--hard.

ME: Joey, put some pants on.
JOEY: Yes, sir.

He disappeared.

NATHAN: Let's hope you don't have to punch the other one.
ME: He's probably tied to a maypole right now.
NATHAN: Knock on wood.

Part of me wondered if Joey was really happy in this situation.

I mean, it's not like I am in mine.

Who knows? Maybe this whole three-way spouse thing is the way to go.

That was when Ken showed up in the doorway dressed like Raggedy Andy.

KEN: Morgan!

Never mind.

Sound Familiar?

2012-01-13T00:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

JEREMY: You're the Mayor?

I'm the Mayor.

HANK: I see someone doesn't keep up on local politics.
ADAM: We live in New York now. Why would we care what happens here?
BEN: You and Jeremy live together?
JEREMY: No, Adam lives in the city. I live upstate.
ADAM: In a duplex.
ALL: Ew!

So that's where my former best friend has been hiding all these years.

JEREMY: Davis--
ME: Mayor--
JEREMY: Oh please! I don't care if you're the Emperor. What are you doing about the hostage situation?
NATHAN: What can he do? The guy hasn't even issued demands. I say we just bomb the place.
BEN: Nathan, Jackson's in there.
ADAM: Plus Paige.
HANK: Plus most of the gay community in the state.

This had the potential to be a political nightmare. It didn't help that the scum-sucking media was here.

RITCHIE: I'm reporting live from Prisms downtown.

It's even worse when you've slept with the scum-sucking media.

RITCHIE: Mr. Mayor, what's your response to the gunman's demands?
ME: He made demands?
RITCHIE: They're on his website.
ME: What are they?

Who needs police when you have an iPad?

RITCHIE: He says he'll trade everybody in the club for the following people. Joe Spencer, Josh Donaldson--
NATHAN: Who are those people?
JEREMY: Oh God...
ADAM: What is it?
JEREMY: None of you have read it, have you?
BEN: Read what?

Then it hit me.

Josh Donaldson.

ME: Those are the characters in your book.

Jeremy looked sick.

ME: The book you wrote about us.

Hello Stranger

2012-01-11T23:22:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

ME: Officer, do you have any information?
OFFICER: Wait, aren't you inside there? You match the photo we got of the owner.
ME: He's my twin brother. I'm Jeremy, he's--
VOICE: Jackson?

Only twenty minutes back in Providence, and already the confusion was beginning.

ME: No, I'm--

But when I turned around--

ME: Ritchie?

--It was already pretty evident that I wasn't Jackson.

Jackson never gets that terrified look in his eyes like I had at that moment. Although, then again, he may have developed it over the years. It's been awhile since we last saw each other.

Ritchie, however, I see every day on television. My two gay neighbors love his show, but I've never told them that I know him personally.

RITCHIE: Wait...Jeremy?
ME: Uh...surprise?
RITCHIE: What are you doing here?
ME: My brother and sister are being held hostage by a gunman. I think it called for a little family intervention, wouldn't you say?
RITCHIE: So you decide to reappear out of the blue after five years?
ME: Look, why don't we talk about this some--

But before I could finish, the limo pulled up, and Adam got out.

ADAM: Okay, how much is it going to cost to pay this crazy person off so I can get back to Manhattan?
RITCHIE: Wow, it's like that Class Reunion I never wanted to go to.
ADAM: Well, if it isn't America's favorite homo. Aren't you supposed to be interviewing a celebrity about their eating disorder?
RITCHIE: This is a big story. I'm here to report on it.
ME: Look, Ritchie, if you can find out anything--
VOICE: Jeremy!

Maybe I should put on a pair of sunglasses.

ADAM: Please tell me you didn't tell Ben and Nathan we were in town?
ME: I wanted to make sure everyone was okay.
BEN: We're fine. We skipped the Miracle Ball.
NATHAN: Yes, we're fine. Can we go now? It's cold out here.
ADAM: Nice to see you again after five years too, Nathan.
NATHAN: I am not getting sucked into all this gay drama.
ADAM: You consider a hostage situation gay drama?
VOICE: Well isn't this a lovely little gathering?

We all turned around to see Hank walking up to where the police had sectioned off the block.

RITCHIE: I should have just stayed at my 100th episode taping and hung out with Hall and Oates.
ADAM: That's the best you could do for a 100th episode?
RITCHIE: Nice shoes, Adam.
ADAM: Hey! These shoes are Italian!
BEN: Wow, I really didn't miss this at all.
ME: Guys, please. This is an emergency. Do we know who else might be in there? Billy maybe?

There was silence.

JEREMY: What? What's wrong?
HANK: He doesn't know?
JEREMY: Know what?
NATHAN: Billy's straight now.
JEREMY: Haha that's not funny.
NATHAN: Haha no, it's not. But it's true. He's straight. He has a fiance now and everything.
ME: Is this a joke?
OFFICER: Everybody clear out! The mayor's here!
JEREMY: Finally! Somebody's doing something.
HANK: Don't be so sure about that.

The Mayor's limo pulled up behind Adam's, and when the door opened, I almost passed out.

ME: Davis?

Davis smiled at me as he removed his sunglasses.

DAVIS: That's Mr. Mayor to you.

That's when I know this town has gone to Hell.

The Hostage

2012-01-11T11:49:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Look, whoever you are, I can pay you a lot of money to disappear about the back door, and nobody has to get hurt.
GUNMAN: What's the point of that? What's the point of nobody getting hurt?

He's taken me into my office at Prisms. I remember that the entire gay community of Rhode Island--activists, club promoters, bloggers, club rats, drag queens, etc--is sitting inside my club right now. And I have a gun pointed at me, but it's not the gun I'm worried about.

It's the bomb strapped to his chest.

All the doors have been barricaded, and the man holding the gun with the bomb strapped to his chest informed us that if anybody came near him, we'd all be blown sky high.

I don't think I've swallowed in the past hour.

All kinds of things are running through my head. How the Miracle Ball was going so well, and then the gunshots went off.

People ran for the doors, but the doors couldn't be opened.

Then the gunman got onstage--nobody seemed to know who he was--and he showed us the bomb.

That's when everybody stopped moving.

I could see people sneaking their phones out of their pockets, and sending out text messages. I think the gunman saw it too, but he didn't seem to mind. One time a flash even went off, meaning that soon his picture would be getting out and everyone would know that he was a criminal.

He didn't seem to care.

When he took me into the office, I thought maybe it was to negotiate with me.

But that wasn't it.

GUNMAN: I want you to tell me who can leave and who can stay.
ME: Excuse me?
GUNMAN: Pick ten people who can go, and the rest have to stay.
ME: And what happens to the people who stay?
GUNMAN: They evaporate.

He was asking me to pick survivors.

ME: I can't do that.
GUNMAN: Then everybody dies.
ME: This is insane.
GUNMAN: You bet it is.

The phone in my pocket was buzzing.

I looked out the window that makes up the fourth wall of my office, and saw Paige standing at the bar looking terrified.

I could send her out. I could at least save her.

But the others?

Maybe I could stall.

ME: How long do I have?

The gunman aimed the gun at my head.

GUNMAN: One minute.

And from his chest, I could hear the ticking of the bomb.

The Professor

2012-01-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Professor.

WILL: Professor, really?
PROFESSOR: Yes, really.

I make the kids call me that.

I'm still paying off my student loans. The ones I needed to get my M.F.A., so there isn't going to be any camaraderie between me and the students. Maybe once the loan is paid off, that'll be different.

Maybe.

I'm currently in rehearsal at Ocean State College for a production of some awful comedy of manners from the 1700's that involves corsets and parasols.

The rehearsal is happening on a Friday night, because I don't have a life, so why should any of these kids? I know they want to go out. I can sense the urge they have to go drink and dance and make poor decisions.

I enjoy repressing that urge for them.

Then I get a text message from a number I deleted from my phone a long time ago.

TEXT MESSAGE: Hank, it's Jeremy. There's been a shooting at Prisms. Jackson and Paige are there. Can't talk now, but meet me downtown in an hour in front of the club.

Jeremy?

WILL: Professor, seriously?
PROFESSOR: Uh, rehearsal's over. Everybody can go.

A cheer erupts from them.

PROFESSOR: And it's not Professor Seriously.

It's Hank.

The Talk Show Host

2012-01-11T01:25:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is--

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen--

Say it with me now.

ANNOUNCER: Ritchie!

One hundred episodes goes by so fast.

KATE: You okay?
ME: I can't believe I've done this a hundred times.
KATE: You're a pro. This is going to be a great one.
ME: One hundred isn't even that big a deal in the talk show world. Five hundred is the milestone.
KATE: So I'll see you at five hundred then.
ME: If I live that long.

I walk out onstage, and the crowd erupts.

I'm a gay icon after all.

ME: Hey Everybody, welcome to our live 100th show! I--

That was when the monitors cut out.

ME: Uh, sorry, everybody. I guess we've having technical difficulties.

I knew filming a show live on a Friday night was a bad idea. Who would be watching anyway? This special was an awful idea.

The producers talked me into it. They said people would watch because I'm number one in daytime, but just means I'm number eighty-seven in primetime.

Becoming a talk show host was not the plan.

Kate rushed onstage.

ME: Did somebody knock over a camera or something?
KATE: Uh, we have an issue that we need to address.
ME: Now?
KATE: You wanted to do more hard-hitting reporting, right?

Just like the old days.

ME: Absolutely.
KATE: You're going to get your chance. There's been a shooting at the Miracle Ball.
ME: At Prisms?
KATE: We've got the van ready. You interested in going back to your old stomping grounds?

A shooter? A gay club? The biggest LGBT event of the year?

ME: Send the audience home. We're taking the show on the road.
KATE: You got it, boss.

This might just be a milestone episode after all.

The Changed Man

2012-01-08T23:01:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

ME: I'm so happy you've reached this decision.

I help people.

CHRISTOPHER: I'm still a little unsure.
ME: Christopher, it's totally normal to feel weird about making the right decision when you've been making wrong ones for so long.

That's straight from the pamphlet they give us.

Christopher is the only guy I'm counseling right now, and this was going to be our last full meeting.

To celebrate, I took him to TGIFriday's.

Who can be unhappy about a life choice at TGIFriday's?

CHRISTOPHER: It's just strange for me, because...
ME: Because?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, you've been giving me all this help.
ME: Yes?
CHRISTOPHER: And, you're kind of the reason I'm making this decision--
ME: Christopher...
CHRISTOPHER: And, like, my parents, obviously, and other stuff--
ME: Chris--
CHRISTOPHER: Right, and me. Definitely. But...

Uh oh.

CHRISTOPHER: It's just strange because I sort of think I love you.

I've counseled lots of guys.

This is not the first time something like this has happened.

As a matter of fact, I wrote the section in the pamphlet about what to do if this happens.

ME: Christopher, let's remember all the hard work you've done to--

That was when I looked at the television over the bar and saw it.

Breaking News.

Shooting at Prisms. Hostages Taken.

CHRISTOPHER: Billy?
ME: Oh, uh, sorry.
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I just don't think I'm really interested in girls.

It took me a second, but then I remembered to switch back to professional mode. What were the odds that I would still know anybody at Prisms after all these years?

Back to the task at hand.

ME: Christopher, trust me. I felt the same way when I first corrected my inner desires. And now, I'm a changed man. I even have a girlfriend.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
ME: Yes, and as a matter of fact, I plan on proposing to her tonight.

I could see that he was disappointed, but he'll adjust.

We all do.

The Business Man

2012-01-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VOICE: We have a problem.

And I'm a business man.

ME: I'm a little preoccupied right now.
VOICE: Yeah, well I suggest you finish up your little anniversary dinner--
ME: Hey! We don't talk about my personal life.
VOICE: We do when it affects business. Right now that's where your mind needs to be.

When my phone rang, I excused myself to use the men's room.

Ben was busy dealing with Jeremy's problem anyway.

When Jeremy left five years ago, he and Ben were mortal enemies and now they were chatting it up just because Jackson might be being held captive by a crazed gunman.

Jeremy always did have to make it about him.

Now, my husband wants to cut our dinner short so he can go to Prisms and try to get some information from the cops or something.

I told him that was out of the question, but then my phone rang, and it was work.

And work isn't a call you ignore.

ME: What's the problem?
VOICE: That shooter at Prisms?
ME: Yes.
VOICE: You know him.
ME: I do?
VOICE: Of course you do, you moron. You hired him.

As soon as I heard the name, I almost dropped the phone.

It looks like Ben and I were headed to Prisms after all.

The Housewife

2012-01-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is--

VOICE: Joey?

Mr. Morgan Heller.

MORGAN: We're going to be late.
ME: Isn't that the point?
MORGAN: No, right now, we're fashionably late. If we wait any longer, we'll be inexcusably late. It's a very fine line.
ME: I'll go put on my bow tie.

Morgan and I have been married for three years now. He's changed my whole world. I don't sleep around with everybody like I used to.

MORGAN: Technically, I should be boycotting this thing.
ME: You're still mad they didn't ask your help with planning it?
MORGAN: Well, I did see it coming. Jackson hates me.
ME: Jackson hates everyone.
MORGAN: Yeah, well he better watch out. I'm not someone you want to have as an enemy.

I can vouch for that. My Morgan is a little...aggressive, at times.

VOICE: Hey guys, come in here!

That's Ken. He's our--

MORGAN: Ken, we're leaving.

--Well, it's complicated.

KEN: There's been a shooting at Prisms.
ME: What?

We went into the living room where Ken was sitting on the couch. We both sat on either side of him.

MORGAN: Is this happening now?
KEN: He's holding everybody at the Miracle Ball hostage.
MORGAN: That could be most of the gay community in Rhode Island.
ME: Jackson's probably in there.

I thought about Jeremy. Do he and Jackson even talk anymore?

KEN: If you guys weren't running late, you'd be there by now.
MORGAN: Good thing Joey doesn't know how to tie a bow tie.
ME: Hey!
KEN: I don't know what I'd do if I lost you guys.

Ken kissed Morgan, then me.

Then he went into the kitchen--probably to make himself a snack.

MORGAN: Don't worry, Ken. We're not going anywhere. Nobody can break the three of us up.

Hey, I told you it was complicated.

The Broadway Star

2012-01-04T23:49:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is--

VOICES: ADAM! OVER HERE! OVER HERE!

Well, you know my name.

VOICES: We love you!

And this is my favorite part of the day.

Exiting out of the stage door of a Broadway theater to hear over a hundred people screaming my name.

If I could, I would have this happen when I wake up in the morning.

Maybe I should just get a better apartment.

Once I get in the car that's waiting for me, my assistant, Tony, hands me a contract to look over.

ME: No, I am NOT doing sixteen weeks as Richard III. I hate Shakespeare.
TONY: It's Richard III: The Musical and you'd be playing Richard.
ME: Aren't I a little young for that?
TONY: They're casting you based on height.
ME: Ugh, fine. I'll do it. Just make sure there's no tap-dancing. I don't want to play a tap-dancing hunchback...again.

Ring, ring.

ME: Get that for me. Tell whoever it is that I'm recharging my creative juices.

Tony answered the phone, said what I told him to, and then handed it back to me.

TONY: It's Jeremy. He says he'll squeeze the juice out of you himself if you don't talk to him right now.

I grabbed the phone.

ME: Hello?
JEREMY: Tell your driver to get on the highway and head towards Providence.
ME: Are you insane? I have a two-show day tomorrow. And I have no interest in revisiting our stomping grounds from five years ago.
JEREMY: Adam, there's a shooter at Prisms--
ME: I bet there is.
JEREMY: LISTEN TO ME! Jackson's there.
ME: Jackson?
JEREMY: Who knows who else. The Miracle Ball was tonight. So far, the only person I could get a hold of was Ben.

Ugh, all these names from the past that I never wanted to hear again.

JEREMY: We have to get there.
ME: Why? I could care less what happens to those people.
JEREMY: Adam, I didn't tell you--
ME: What?
JEREMY: Paige is bar tending at Prisms now.

I felt my breath race out of my body.

JEREMY: She could be there right now.

I rolled down the divider.

ME: Driver, we're going to Providence.

Tony looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I am. Who knows?

ME: Tony, call the producers. They're sending my understudy on tomorrow.
TONY: Are you dropping me off?
ME: Absolutely not. In fact, from now on, you're my boyfriend, not my assistant. I'm not going back to Providence single. Those bitches would eat that up.
VOICE: Hello? Are you there?

Oh damn--

ME: Jeremy, I'm on my way.
JEREMY: Great. I'll meet you downtown in front of Prisms.

Now there's something I haven't heard in a long, long time.

The Artistic Director

2012-01-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

NATHAN: Five years. Can you believe it?

This is my husband.

ME: I really can't.

I'm f**king miserable.

NATHAN: I ordered some wine so we can toast our anniversary--
ME: Order more.
NATHAN: What?
ME: Nothing.
NATHAN: Oh, well. I also wanted to celebrate your theater company reaching its five year milestone.

Oh yeah, I also run the most successful theater in Rhode Island.

AND I'm f**king miserable.

Nathan and I were enjoying ourselves at a restaurant downtown when a police car when racing by the window we were sitting at.

NATHAN: Have you picked next season yet?
ME: Yeah, we're going to do some premiere of something and some other premiere and As You Like It.
NATHAN: Why As You Like It?
ME: Why not?

Admittedly, my passion has diminished over the years. For theater. For love. For life.

NATHAN: ...Forget about that awful book Jeremy wrote.
ME: What?
NATHAN: The book Jeremy wrote. Did you read it yet? It's awful.
ME: You're just reading it now? It came out three years ago.

Jeremy, my old nemesis slash lover slash soulmate slash nemesis wrote a tell-all-semi-fictional book about Providence, and more than a few people wanted to kill him for it. Luckily for him, he disappeared two years before it was even published. Nobody knows where he is.

In the book, there's a character named Benton who Jeremy marries at the end of the book.

ME: I kind of liked the book.
NATHAN: Really? Even though it ended with him marrying Billy?
ME: He didn't marry Billy in the book, he married--

Uh oh.

NATHAN: Married who?
ME: Well, whoever the Benton character was based on. You know, Ben...ton.
NATHAN: It was the soulmate of the protagonist. It was Billy.
ME: Or, you know, someone else.

Three more police cars went by our window with their sirens on.

ME: What's going on?

The waitress appeared at our table looking really upset.

WAITRESS: Um, I'm sorry, but I have to leave. My roommate's at a bar and I guess there's been a shooting there or something.
NATHAN: What bar?
WAITRESS: Prisms.

The gay bar?

NATHAN: Wasn't tonight the Miracle Ball?
ME: Every gay guy in town could be at that club right now.
NATHAN: Wow...

This is--

NATHAN: ...Good thing we're not there, huh? Cheers.

He lifted his glass to us and our relationship.

Believe it or not, at that moment, I wished that I was at Prisms.

Then my phone rang.

NATHAN: Who is it?

When the name came up, I tried to hide the look of shock on my face.

ME: Uh...

But it didn't work.

NATHAN: Ben, what's wrong?

Jeremy was calling me.

The Mayor

2012-01-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm the Mayor of Providence.

MAN: Hey, um, you, your phone is blowing up.

This is the boy in my bed.

ME: I apologize. A pipe probably burst somewhere.

Usually, my assistant is great at handling things so I can have the weekends off. At 7pm on a Friday night, I'm usually already celebrating with a nice young man like--

ME: What's your name again?
MAN: Paul.
ME: Great, Paul. Fantastic. You look like a Christian, but I'll take Paul. Paul, I gotta take this call. See what I did there? Give me a second. You can feel free to pleasure me while I'm on the phone.
PAUL: Or I could get dressed.
ME: You could, but something tells me you like to finish what you start.
PAUL: You--
ME: Hold that thought.

This better be good.

VOICE: Mayor?
ME: Did someone let a llama loose in the mall again?
VOICE: Listen to me, you broken condom. Right now, there is a gunman holding everyone who attended the Miracle Ball tonight hostage at Prisms.

I was fully dressed before he said 'Prisms.'

Because I'm just that good.

ME: What do we know?
VOICE: Get down here. I'll catch you up. And from now on, try to keep your whoring until after ten pm like a normal person.
ME: Don't forget that you're my assistant.
VOICE: Don't forget that I'm the one who got you elected.
ME: I'm still the damn mayor!

But he had already hung up.

PAUL: You're the Mayor? Mayor of what? This hotel? Because I totally couldn't get service on Foursquare.
ME: No, of Providence.
PAUL: You mean you're--
ME: Yeah.

I'm John Davis.

The Writer

2012-01-02T23:36:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Jeremy, it's Kate. You're still my favorite client, but if you keep dodging my phone calls, I'm going to start getting snippy. Hahaha no, but really, Jeremy, please call me. We're wondering how the first draft is coming of the new book so we can--

Beep.

I'm not that great at returning phone calls.

Not anymore.

Knock, knock.

Although, I do still love a good party.

EDWARD: We brought salad.
EDSON: And several jazz CD's.
EDWARD: Get ready for the best gay dinner party ever.

Albeit a more subdued party.

EDWARD: How's the book coming?
EDSON: Edward--
EDWARD: What? He said he was almost finished two months ago.
EDSON: He doesn't like talking about work.
ME: It's okay, really. It's...coming along. I just want to make sure I nail the ending.
EDWARD: Well, what's the problem?
ME: I just feel sort of stuck at this particular plot point. I've added too many characters. Overall, I'm just not interested. I've kind of backed myself into a creative corner.
EDSON: Why don't you skip ahead a few years? That usually helps get writers out of a rut.
ME: Edson, that's what cheap television writers do when they want to cheat their way out of their own bad planning.
EDWARD: Yes, but as long as they use the device effectively, nobody seems to care.
ME: I care. I'll work this out.

Rule Number One of throwing a good party?

...Breaking news out of Rhode Island...

Turn off the television.

...A gunman is holding an entire bar full of people hostage at a local club called Prisms.

I was up and out of my chair so fast it fell over.

EDSON: Jeremy, are you all right?
ME: Sorry I just--

--Haven't heard that name in five years.

ME: --I think they said a shooting at a gay club.
EDGAR: Really? Is that what Prisms is?
EDSON: I went to Providence. The entire city is only about eight blocks and a hot dog stand.

Typical New Yorkers.

...We know for sure that one of the hostages is the owner of the club...

EDGAR: Jeremy, turn that off. It's depressing.
EDSON: Edgar, it's news.
EDGAR: It's happening in Rhode Island. It's hardly news.

The owner of the club?

JEREMY: Jackson.
EDGAR: What was that, Jeremy?
EDSON: Are you okay?
JEREMY: My brother owns that club.

Just when I think I'm out...

The situation here is dire. The gay community in Providence is very small and we're lead to believe many of its notable members may be at the club tonight.

...They pull me back in.

Movie Night

2011-05-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

JEREMY: Is that popcorn and a copy of The Goonies in your hands, or are you just happy to see me?
ME: I thought we'd have a movie night. Sort of--I almost died and now I want to reexamine my life and maybe rebuild some of my old friendships kinda thing.
JEREMY: Did you bring peanut M&M's?
ME: Two bags.
JEREMY: Let the healing begin.

I figured if there was anybody who could remind me who I was before I started turning into a bed-hopping, freshman banger--it would be Jeremy.

ME: I just feel like I've had a sexual explosion or something.
JEREMY: Okay, first off, we might be able to rebuild some sort of friendship here, but not by talking about your sexual explosions. That's going to have to be further down the line.
ME: Fair enough.
JEREMY: For what it's worth though, I don't think anybody will fault you for going a little crazy in college. Everybody goes crazy in college. It's a rite of passage.
ME: I just...Joey called me the New Ben.
JEREMY: Billy--
ME: And you know--
JEREMY: Billy!

I looked at him. He put his hand on my shoulder.

JEREMY: You could never be Ben. Not like he was. You never hated yourself that much.

I smiled at him, and he got up.

JEREMY: I'm going to make some more popcorn, and then we're watching The Lost Boys. You've put me in a Corey Feldman sort of mood.
ME: Wow, normally I have to buy you dinner first.
JEREMY: You know you may not be getting any more innocent, but you're definitely getting funnier.
ME: Yeah, they were handing out knock knock jokes at the Slut Academy today.
JEREMY: Oh right, today's Monday.

While he was in the kitchen, I thought about what he said.

You never hated yourself that much.

Wow, I thought, if only he knew.

Big and Happy

2011-04-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JEREMY: I'm not sure this was a good idea. Jackson is still recuperating.
PAIGE: And what could make somebody recuperate faster than a nice meal with nice people?
JEREMY: Are we inviting the nice people or are you referring to the Dirty Dozen you've released into our dining room?

Paige had arranged for a dinner with my mother, Nolan, myself, Jeremy, Jackson, and their Dad. It was sort of a merging of the families, but Paige had other plans as well.

As soon as Jeremy left the kitchen, she grabbed my arm and squealed.

PAIGE: Did you see that? He was totally checking you out.
ME: That's because you made me wear jeans from Baby Gap. I can't breathe in these things.
PAIGE: You don't need to breathe. You need to entice.
ME: Paige, I semi-agree with Jeremy. It's only been a month since the bus accident. I don't know if we should be exposing Jackson to my mom and brother.
PAIGE: OUR mom and brother. Besides, if Jackson can handle our dad, he can handle your family.
ME: You mean our family?
PAIGE: Exactly!

I started to think maybe we could all have a nice time.

And then we opened the dining room door, and a plate went flying by my head.

ME: That has to be a bad thing, right?

My mom was standing at the head of the table pointing at Jeremy and Jackson's dad at the other end of it. I'd never seen her look so upset.

MOM: You are a hideous, vile, and disgusting man!
ME: Mom!
JACKSON: No, it's okay. She's pretty much on-target.
PAIGE: What happened?
JEREMY: Apparently, Dad and their mom went to school together.
DAD: She was a bleeding-heart liberal.
MOM: He was a pretentious misogynist.
NOLAN: I'm surprised they didn't give you two a sitcom.
MOM: I am LEAVING!

Mom stormed out with Nolan right behind her.

NOLAN: Sorry, Paige. It looks like you're going to be splitting up holidays from this point on. Too bad. Your brother Jackson is sort of cute.

Paige looked upset, but I was actually relieved.

It wasn't that I didn't want to be fixed up with Jeremy.

It was that I was scared if it happened...

...I might fall in love with him again.

It Was Exactly Like That

2011-03-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: So you didn't die?

This is my ex-boyfriend.

ME: No, the water was freezing. I'm still waiting for one of my jelly beans to drop.
PATRICK: I think one of mine is floating in my brain. The whole thing was so surreal.

I've been spending a lot of time in Patrick's room while he recovers.

I don't remember much about the crash, but Patrick's been telling me about it.

PATRICK: Joey, you were amazing. You pushed open the back door and all of us got out to safety.
ME: Really? I did?
PATRICK: You were awesome. I can't believe I ever broke up with you.

I like where this is going.

PATRICK: Do you think you could ever take me back?
ME: Well--
PATRICK: I know I was--
ME: Yes!
PATRICK: Wow, that was--
ME: YES!

Now that Patrick and I are going out again, I can finally break up with him the way I was supposed to.

I just have to hope he doesn't remember that Jackson was the one who opened the back door.

Otherwise, the same guy will end up breaking up with me twice.

And I can't let that happen.

Just When You Need Her The Most

2011-03-02T22:51:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: He's waking up.

The last thing I remember is throwing open the door to the bus--

ME: Jeremy?
JEREMY: I'm here.
ME: Is--everybody--
JEREMY: Just try and rest, Jackson.
PAIGE: You've been through a lot.
JEREMY: Dad's here.

Now I wish they had left me in the water.

ME: Why do I feel like a truck ran me over?
PAIGE: You've been through a lot. Major surgery.
JEREMY: They had to do a transplant.
PAIGE: More than one.

Jeremy and Paige explained to me that the doctors had given them the choice of taking Mom off life-support so that they could harvest her organs for me.

ME: Wow. I can't believe Mom's really gone.
JEREMY: Uh...
ME: What?
PAIGE: We couldn't find her.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: We couldn't find her.

Couldn't find her? She's a vegetable!

God, how I wish I could scream.

Apparently, her body just disappeared from the hospital. Something tells me Dad was involved.

JEREMY: The important thing is that they managed to find you organs from somebody who didn't survive the crash.
ME: Who?
PAIGE: Murray.

I have Murray inside me?

Please, hold your puns.

Just Like Barbara Jean

2011-03-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: How is he?

This is Jeremy.

JEREMY: Well, the good news is there isn't going to be anymore news until we figure out what to do.

And this is Jackson--lying in a hospital bed.

When I heard about the bus accident, I got to the hospital as soon as I could. Nathan, Ritchie, and Davis were already there.

ME: What's the news?
NATHAN: All of them suffered from hypothermia. Billy's in stable condition. Hank and Adam are in intensive care. Joey managed to get out first.
DAVIS: Shocker.
RITCHIE: Davis, please.
NATHAN: Jackson's actually the hero of the story. He got the back door open so they could all get out as the bus was going down.
DAVIS: Not all of them. The bus driver died upon impact.
RITCHIE: They still haven't found Murray's body either.

Then I heard about Jackson.

ME: So what are your options?
JEREMY: Right now, they consider our mother pretty much brain dead. She's living only because of the machines. Jackson needs a transplant. Liver and lung. If we were to decide to take my mother off life-support, then we could--
ME: What? Swap out?
JEREMY: There's really no other way.
ME: So you have to decide whether or not to let Joan die so Jackson can survive?
JEREMY: Pretty cut and dry, huh?

I could see that Jeremy was hurting.

JEREMY: God, I want a fucking drink right now.
ME: Hey, it's okay.
JEREMY: It's really not okay. This is awful. It would be one thing if Mom would just die, but something about pulling the plug so we can harvest her organs is just--
ME: Look, no matter what you decide, you have friends who will love and support you.
JEREMY: I just...I need something stronger right now.

I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him.

ME: I love you.
JEREMY: I know.
ME: No, I love you. I never stopped.

He pulled back and looked at me.

ME: I can help you, if you let me. I can be here for you.

I wasn't sure what he was going to do, but then he pulled me back to him.

And I knew I wasn't planning on leaving for a long time.

A Concerned Husband

2011-02-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: I need information about my husband.

Marriage does have its perks.

After Jeremy called me, I was able to make demands at the hospital that I never would have been able to ask for if it weren't for the fact that I was now the husband of one of the people on the bus.

NURSE: He's in stable condition.
ME: What about the others?
NURSE: We're not allowed to release that information to anybody but family--
VOICE: I'm family!

I turned around to see Jeremy and Paige walking into the waiting room, followed by--

JERRY: I'm here to find out about my son.

--Their dad?

NURSE: Which boy is your--
JERRY: Jackson.
NURSE: I'll go find a doctor.

Jeremy gave me a hug. I could tell he was a wreck. This was not a good time for him to be clinging to sobriety.

ME: Someone said they got the back door to the bus open right as it was hitting the water. Most of them managed to get out.
PAIGE: Most of them?
JERRY: It's a miracle they're all not dead.
JEREMY: Dad we knew most of the people on that bus!
JERRY: We just have to hope that your brother is okay.
PAIGE: What about Joey?
JEREMY: And Billy?
ME: And Hank?

Wow. Maybe I care more about him than I realized.

Before anything else could happen, the doctor arrived.

DOCTOR: Are you Jackson's family?
JEREMY: Yes.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Jeremy nearly fell to the ground, but I managed to catch him.

DOCTOR: He's not dead.
PAIGE: Oh thank god.
JERRY: So what is it then?
DOCTOR: It's...complicated.

It made me wonder.

Is there anything worse than dead?

Dad

2011-02-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

Knock, knock.

Since my return from New York, I've tried to keep a low profile. I didn't think it was going to be that hard what with Paige spending all her time with Nathan, Mom in the hospital, and Jackson at ACTF, but apparently I was forgetting about someone.

ME: Dad?

It's been a long time since I've seen my father, and I can't say I was thrilled.

DAD: Why haven't you been answering your phone?
ME: Why? Have you been calling?
DAD: Today I have.
ME: Funny, Mom being in the hospital didn't illicit any responses.
DAD: Your mother isn't my responsibility anymore, but you kids still are. Now that she's not well--
ME: Not well? Dad she's in a coma.
DAD: Never mind this. Why weren't you answering your phone?
ME: I was trying to take a nap. It's been a long weekend.
DAD: Do you even know what's going on?
ME: What are you talking about?

My father walked over to the television, hit a button the remote, and said--

DAD: That.

The screen showed helicopters flying over a bridge.

ME: Is the bridge going to fall down or something?
DAD: Listen.

The announcer's voice came on--

ANNOUNCER: We still have little information about the passengers on the bus, but we have confirmed that they were all from Ocean State College headed to the American College--
ME: --Theater Festival.
DAD: Wasn't your brother going to that?

I ran to my phone, and turned it on. Right away, it started ringing.

ME: Paige? What's going on?

I could tell she was crying.

PAIGE: He was on the bus.
ME: Who?
PAIGE: Jackson!
ME: Oh my--
PAIGE: And Billy! And Hank! Everybody! They were all on that bus!

I turned around to see my Dad standing in the doorway of my bedroom. For the first time in I don't know how long, I hugged him.

DAD: It's okay, kid.

I felt like I was going to black out.

DAD: Your Dad's here now.

The Road to ACTF

2011-02-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: This bus smells like Patrick's dorm room.
PATRICK: Please, as if you would know.

We were all on our way to ACTF in Maine, and it had not been an easy ride.

Billy and Jackson were fighting which was upsetting to Simon because one was his best friend and the other was his boyfriend.

SIMON: Billy, can't you see I'm really happy?
BILLY: Of course you are, you're dating the second biggest slut in school.
JACKSON: Hey! Wait, who's the biggest?
JOEY: I think he's talking about me.
BILLY: Ding ding ding.

Joey wasn't speaking to Billy or Patrick, who were now dating--a fact that wasn't lost on me since I still wasn't over Joey.

ME: How does it feel being a life-ruiner, Patrick?
PATRICK: Feels great. Must be because I can have whoever I want.
JONATHAN: Billy, are you listening to this? I can't believe you left me for him.
BILLY: Look, I'm just having fun, okay?
HANK: Have fun catching herpes.
BILLY: Shut up, Hank!

Everybody was so busy fighting, they barely noticed when the bus swerved to the right a little bit.

MURRAY: Guys, calm down back there!
ME: Is something wrong with the bus?
MURRAY: I'm sure it's just a--

That's when I noticed the bridge.

ME: Murray, tell the driver we have to turn left!
DRIVER: There's something wrong! The wheel won't turn!
JACKSON: Then hit the brakes!
DRIVER: Nothing's working!

We were picking up speed.

HANK: Do something!
MURRAY: Everybody just stay calm!
PATRICK: Fuck that! We're going to die!
JONATHAN: Maybe we can jump?
BILLY: Jump from where?

The bus went right through the barricade. We were going over the edge.

MURRAY: Everybody hang on!

The last thing I remember before the bus went down was someone yelling to open the back door, and thinking that the water was going to be very, very cold.

The Same Mistake Twice

2011-02-28T15:50:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need you to remarry me.

Well, considering how complicated the marriage was, I'm not sure why I thought the divorce wouldn't be.

I was just cleaning the last of my boxes of out Davis' place when he showed up looking frantic.

ME: Davis, you don't need my Health insurance anymore. So why would you want to get married?
DAVIS: Well, the truth is...I miss you.
ME: Your grandmother already called me.
DAVIS: Damn that old bag!
ME: She wanted to welcome me to the family.
DAVIS: Did she--
ME: Two point six million.
DAVIS: Some of that was in stocks, so there's really no way to tell--
ME: Save it, Davis. You want that money. I want a cut.
DAVIS: How much?

I picked up one of my frying pans out of the box I was packing. The need for protection was imminent.

ME: Half.
DAVIS: HALF?!?!?!
ME: I'm your spouse, aren't I?
DAVIS: Your my spouse--not a Trump spouse.
ME: You can have one point three million, or you can have nothing.
DAVIS: Or I could find someone else to marry me.
ME: You mean before you turn thirty?

Down comes the ace from the sleeve.

DAVIS: What are you talking about?
ME: Oh, your grandmother didn't tell you? You have to be in a marriage, for a year, by the time you're thirty, or all the money goes to charity.
DAVIS: What?

Davis sank down to the floor like the air had been let out of him.

ME: I guess your grandfather wanted to give you time to produce an heir. He must have had a lot of faith in science.
DAVIS: But there isn't even a year between now and my thirtieth birthday!
ME: Luckily, we've already been married for almost two months--unless that divorce goes through. Then even remarrying me won't help.
DAVIS: Fine! We'll stay married. Then, in a year, we're getting divorced.
ME: And I get half?
DAVIS: Three hundred thousand.
ME: I'm not negotiating, Davis.
DAVIS: It's three hundred more than you'll have if I decide to stay poor on principle.
ME: I don't think you'd do that.
DAVIS: How do you know?

I smiled.

ME: It's a spouse's job to know his husband, isn't it?

The look on his face told me that it was time to start unpacking my frying pans.

Take It Off

2011-02-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: Guess who got in?

This is impossible.

After bribing a doorman, and wearing my best Ritchie smile, I managed to get into Sam Tyler's office to see him, get him inside the most exclusive club in New York thereby blocking Jeremy and Ben, and convince him to let me produce his play in Rhode Island, only to see the two of them appear looking truly proud of themselves.

ME: How did you get in here?
BEN: We pretended to be British and talked really loudly on our cell phones about the hot new club across town called 'Sweater' that nobody can get into.
SAM: There is no club called 'Sweater.'
BEN: We know.
JEREMY: The line outside disappeared almost immediately.

Son-of-a--

SAM: Great. The more the merrier.

Yeah, why not? After all, they got here too late.

ME: Sam just agreed to let me produce the Rhode Island premiere of his play.

Ben looked crestfallen, but Jeremy wasn't going down without a fight.

JEREMY: But Sam, that's what we came here to talk to you about. Plus, Ritchie doesn't even have a company to produce it under.
BEN: We have a space, and a mission statement--
ME: Which is what? We do theater in church basements?
SAM: Okay guys, relax.

Jeremy looked like he was ready to jump across the table and pummel me.

SAM: Look, when you become a big, important playwright, you always dream about a bunch of cute gay guys willing to do anything to get to produce your play.
JEREMY: Really? That's the dream? Not a Tony?
BEN: A Pulitzer?
ME: Cute gays trying to get in your pants sounds about right to me.
SAM: The point is, there's no fair way to decide who gets the rights. Besides, Rhode Island is so small it's not like it matters which of you premieres it. So here's what we're going to do.

He pointed to the stage next to the bar.

SAM: We're going to have ourselves a little contest.

Uh oh.

Half an hour later, Jeremy and I were onstage waiting for the music to start.

ME: I can't believe we agreed to do this.
JEREMY: Scared you're going to lose?
ME: You should be scared. I've been known to push, and it's a sizable drop to the floor.
JEREMY: Try it and you're going down with me.
ME: Is that what you say to your boyfriends before they take the plunge?

That was when Christina came on.

ME: Here we go.

I have to say, though I may be a better dancer than Jeremy, what he lacks in rhythm, he makes up for in style.

The guy must have done vaudeville in a past life.

When we were done, both of us were in our underwear, and the crowd was going nuts.

I leaned in and hugged Jeremy before I could stop myself.

ME: So is this the balance you've found between old Jeremy and new Jeremy?
JEREMY: You mean old Jeremy and Ron Jeremy?

When we got back down to the floor, Sam was applauding us.

SAM: You both did a nice job, but I decided to give the rights to Ben and Jeremy.
JEREMY: YES!
ME: Was my dancing that bad?
SAM: No, it's just that Ben made out with me while you guys were up there.
BEN: And I got to keep my clothes on.

I was mad, but the night didn't end up being a total failure. I got my friend back--

JEREMY: So you coming to paint the town with us, Ritchie, or are you going to sit here and nurse your wounds?

--And I got TONS of phone numbers.

The New Ben

2011-02-16T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

JOEY: You've ruined my life.

Is it bad that the first thing I did was get excited that Patrick had probably dumped him?

JOEY: Patrick dumped me.

YES!

ME: I'm so sorry.

I was in the Fish Bowl when Joey barged in looking like he'd been crying for days.

HANK: You boys fighting over these freshmen is pretty sad.
JOEY: Shut up, you pill popper.
HANK: Hey! That might be true, but it's still mean!
JACKSON: So Billy, you're allowed to date Patrick and Jonathan, but I got a warning to keep away from Simon?
ME: I have a better reputation than everybody in this room!

Silence.

JOEY: No, you USED to have a good reputation. Now you're practically the same guy Ben was when he screwed you over.
HANK: He's right, Billy. You're pretty much the new Ben.
JOEY: The difference is I'm not the new Jeremy. I fight for what I love, and I don't fight fair.

He walked out of the Fish Bowl.

JACKSON: I'd be careful. Joey's never been broken up with until now. He might go off the deep end.
ME: What's he going to do?
HANK: Bust your windshield?
ME: That's a little harsh.
HANK: No, seriously, he's busting your windshield.

I turned around and looked out the window. My car was parked right in front, and there was Joey with a baseball bat.

JACKSON: Wow, I always thought Adam was the crazy one in that relationship.

All this and I haven't even started sleeping with Patrick yet.

Keep It in the Family

2011-02-15T16:12:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

PAIGE: What about this guy?

My new sister is trying to set me up on a date.

ME: Paige, I am not ready to start dating again--or ever.

She and I were hanging out at her apartment where she was trying to find me a date online. She's still living with Jeremy and Jackson, since moving her in with the Burrows under the eyes of my brother didn't seem like such a great idea.

Besides, she was Jeremy and Jackson's sister for her entire life. I don't think she's totally processed that they're no longer related.

PAIGE: You need some positive energy in your life.
ME: I need to learn to supply myself with the positive energy instead of relying on someone else for that.
PAIGE: You know, maybe it's because we haven't been related very long, but I can't understand a thing you're saying.

Knock, knock.

Jackson appeared in the doorway.

JACKSON: Paige, I'm going to the supermarket. Do you want anything?
PAIGE: No, but bring back Nathan a date.
JACKSON: She's butting into your personal life, huh?
ME: Yeah.
JACKSON: Congratulations. She's officially your sister.
PAIGE: Excuse me for trying to make everybody happy!
JACKSON: The happiest I've ever seen Nathan was when he was in that wheelchair and Jeremy was besties with him. If you want him to be happy again, push him out the window. Later.

Once he was gone, I got to thinking about it, and he was right. When I was around Jeremy all the time, I really was very happy.

ME: Hey Paige--
PAIGE: I'm already way ahead of you. When Jeremy comes back from New York, I'm going to fix my two brothers up with each other!

Glad to see nothing's complicated about that.

It's Funny Because It's Cruel and Heartless

2011-02-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: I'm kind of done with you.

This has never happened to me before.

ME: I don't understand.
PATRICK: It's over, Jo Jo. Time to move on.
ME: But it's Valentine's Day.
PATRICK: I'm aware.
ME: And we're at a restaurant eating a romantic dinner.
PATRICK: Also aware.
ME: And I just paid.
PATRICK: And thanks.
ME: And you're breaking up with me.
PATRICK: Right.
ME: But I'm Joey.

I'm so confused.

PATRICK: You know, I'm young and stuff. I don't want to be tied down.

I know this speech. I've given this speech to so many guys. Does that mean I've made tons of guys feel this bad?

ME: At least you're not cheating on me.
PATRICK: No, but I am really interested in someone.
ME: Who?
PATRICK: Billy.

I knew this would happen. I could tell from the way they were giggling with each other in the baritone section yesterday at rehearsal.

ME: But he's with Jonathan.
PATRICK: Yeah, but not for long. Keep that between you and me, okay?
ME: Sure.

...As I'm texting the Wilde Blog underneath the table.

PATRICK: I hope we can still be friends.
ME: Well, we kind of have to be, we still go to school together.
PATRICK: Exactly. That's why I'm not deleting your number or defriending you on Facebook. Cool for you, right?
ME: Uh...sure.

He left after that to go out with friends, while I sat at the restaurant bar getting drunker.

Finally, I made the call.

ME: Hey Adam...it's Joey...what are you doing right now?

Happy Valentine's Day.

What You Used to Get Away With

2011-02-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

BILLY: You're a dead man.

I've heard that one before.

Billy confronted me in the Fish Bowl before rehearsal.

ME: I'm guessing this is about Simon.
BILLY: I asked you to stay away from him--only him--and you couldn't even do it.
ME: Billy, we like each other. It's not like I'm just using him.
BILLY: Forgive me if I have trouble believing that.
ME: You can be as cynical as you want. What happens between Simon and I is our business.

Billy seemed to take a step back with that one.

BILLY: You're right.

Wow, I wasn't expecting that big of a step back.

BILLY: You two are together now. It's just the two of you.

Uh oh.

ME: What does that mean?
BILLY: Nothing.

He left the Fish Bowl, and went into the rehearsal hall.

Something was up.

After rehearsal, I went to see if anybody wanted to go out for some drinks.

PATRICK: Gee Jackson, we'd like to but--
JONATHAN: Taken guys aren't really our thing.
PATRICK: They tend to be a buzz kill.
VOICE: Sweetie!

I turned around to see Simon waving me over.

SIMON: I'm tired. Let's go home and eat some soup.

Oh boy...

PATRICK: You're so lucky, Jackson.
JONATHAN: Simon is so sweet.

Behind Simon, I could see Billy winking at me.

Yeah, I thought, really lucky.

Far from the Velvet Rope

2011-02-12T11:22:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: I'm freezing!

I'm freezing.

Jeremy and I had it on good authority that Sam Tyler, the author of the play we want to produce, enjoys a night at Badge 17--one of New York's hottest new clubs.

So there we were, waiting in a line that went around the block at ten o'clock at night, and I had forgotten to bring a hat, gloves, or something to build a fire with so we wouldn't die on the street like vagrants.

JEREMY: At least we managed to lose Ritchie.
ME: He wasn't even following us. He hopped in a cab and took off.
JEREMY: He probably thought he could just go to Sam's office, knock on his door, and be handed the rights. What an idiot.
ME: Yeah, such an idiot. He's probably sitting in a warm hotel room right now watching cool hotel room porn and eating room service.
JEREMY: But only one of us is leaving this city with the rights to the hottest new play of the year.
VOICE: Hello boys.

I thought I couldn't get any colder, but that voice was blood-chilling.

We both turned around to see Ritchie walking towards us--right next to Sam Tyler.

ME: What the--
RITCHIE: Sam, these are my friends Jeremy and Ben. They run a little dog-and-pony show in Providence.
SAM: Nice to meet you guys. Ritchie, we should go in before the drag show starts.
JEREMY: How did you--
RITCHIE: It was the funniest thing. I went to Sam's office, knocked on his door, and he let me right in.

To the idiot goes the rights.

ME: Did he--
RITCHIE: We're going to discuss doing his play in Rhode Island.
SAM: It's going to take a lot of convincing. That play is a hot property.
RITCHIE: Oh don't worry. I've got a hot property of my own.

And off they went into the club.

JEREMY: We have to do something.
ME: Like what?

That's when I saw a crazy gleam in Jeremy's eye.

And I knew we were going to get those rights--

JEREMY: Can you do a British accent?

--or die trying.

The End of a Fake Marriage

2011-02-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

MR. LAWYER: So you two want a divorce?

It's the end of an era.

ME: As soon as possible.

And a new joyful era now begins.

I managed to land a job doing pr consulting for a firm in Providence. That means full healthcare, and no more fake matrimony.

Luckily, Hank feels our union has run its course as well.

MR. LAWYER: So why do you two want to get divorced?
ME: He was taking all my medication and I nearly died.
HANK: Then he locked me in the bathroom forcing me to go through withdrawal with nothing but a tube of toothpaste and a luffa.
MR. LAWYER: I'll get working on this right away.

As we were leaving the office, I felt like a new man.

And then my phone rang.

HANK: Not even divorced yet and already you're taking booty calls?
ME: Please Hank, it's four pm. They're not booty calls at 4pm. They're 'lunch dates.'

But that wasn't what it was.

VOICE: Hello John.

It was much worse.

ME: Hello Grandmother.
GRANDMOTHER: How are you feeling?
ME: Actually, I feel great.
GRANDMOTHER: Excellent. I'm glad you're in good health.
ME: Well, I'm still doing the treatment but--
GRANDMOTHER: I understand you've gotten married?

This is what I get for accepting her friend request.

ME: Yes, Grandmother, but it's not really an issue now because--
GRANDMOTHER: I suppose you know what that means?
ME: I'm no longer invited to your Christian brunches?
GRANDMOTHER: Don't be ridiculous. I stopped inviting you to those years ago.
ME: Then what are you--
GRANDMOTHER: You have figured out a way to beat your Grandfather's will after all. I never thought you'd do it, but thanks to the liberals' destruction of this country's moral code, you have gotten yourself married, and that means--
ME: I'm entitled to my inheritance.
GRANDMOTHER: Exactly.

My Grandfather put it in his will that if I ever got married, I'd stand to inherit a huge portion of his estate, but when I realized I was gay, I thought it was a moot point. And now--

ME: Grandmother, how much is that inheritance now?
GRANDMOTHER: More money than a child like you can know what to do with. Why don't you let me handle things until--
ME: How much, old woman?
GRANDMOTHER: Two point six.
ME: Two point six--?
GRANDMOTHER: Million.

I dropped the phone, and turned around.

Hank was gone.

I had to find him.

He was my going to be my ticket to the permanent good life.

I just had to remember to make him sign a prenup.

Back to New York

2011-02-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: So are we going to uncover any deep dark secrets from when you lived here that summer?
ME: You mean aside from the crazy drug dealer who tracked me down in Rhode Island?
BEN: That's the best you've got?

Ben and I had just arrived in New York

We were desperate to produce a hit play in Rhode Island, but all the major theaters have frozen the rights on the big name plays.

That means we needed to circumvent the system.

And that meant going right to the author.

BEN: I still think Nathan and I should have done this by ourselves.
ME: I am the co-founder of the theater--
BEN: You're on parole, kid. Until you've spent more time on the wagon, I'm the one calling the shots.

Waking up in the emergency room with alcohol poisoning is a bit of a wake-up call. Now it's been two weeks since I've had a drink or any other substance, and it's been--

VOICE: Well look who it is.

--Difficult.

RITCHIE: What are you boys doing here?

Ritchie and I haven't spoken since the night he saved my life, but I think it's safe to say a truce is in place.

BEN: We're courting an author.
ME: We want to produce 'Dominoes' by Sam Tyler.
BEN: What are you doing here?

Ritchie held up a paperback copy of 'Dominoes.'

RITCHIE: I've been thinking about becoming a producer.

What was that about a truce?

It's Not My Party, But I'll Cry If I Want To

2011-02-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Where is he?

I'm about to crash this bitch.

BILLY: Adam, are you okay?
ME: Don't talk to me. I'm here for Joey.
BILLY: Look, you don't want to cause a scene.
ME: No, actually, I really want to cause a scene.

That's when I punched a hole in the wall.

BILLY: Wow, I'm not going to lie. I'm impressed.

Patrick was having a party, and shocked, I wasn't invited, but guess who was?

My boyfriend.

Or ex-boyfriend, as the case may be.

SIMON: Oh hey Adam.
ME: Hey Simon, you seen Joey?
SIMON: I think he's in Patrick's bedroom.
ME: Why am I not surprised?

I burst into the bedroom and there was Patrick--

--throwing up.

Joey was holding his head while he puked into a bucket.

ME: Uh...
JOEY: Adam, what are you doing here?
ME: I, uh, came to...tell you off...
JOEY: Um, can it wait? I'm a little busy.
ME: Yeah, I can--

That was when Patrick lifted up his head and threw up all over Joey.

ME: I'll just...yeah.

Something tells me I was getting my revenge before I even realized it.

Nobody Leaves That Bathroom Twice

2011-02-08T13:49:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Ahhhhhh!!!

That's the sound of me breaking down a bathroom door.

After two days being stuck in there with nothing but tap water and crush potato chip bags slipped under the door, I was completely out of my mind.

The fact that my body was now drug-free was merely a side note.

Davis had locked me in the bathroom as punishment for feeding him placebos and nearly killing him. I suppose fair is fair, but that didn't make me any less angry, especially since he'd forgotten to feed me today.

ME: DAVIS!!!

That was when my phone rang.

ME: Hello?
DAVIS: Hey hubby.
ME: I'm going to rip your genital hair off and make you wear it as a goatee.
DAVIS: Now's not the time to get all flirty.
ME: Davis--
DAVIS: I'm at the hospital with Jeremy.

That instantly shut me up.

ME: Is it Joan?
DAVIS: No, it's him. He had to go to the e.r. with alcohol poisoning.
ME: Is he okay?
DAVIS: He will be, but it was touch and go there, and two near-death experiences in under a year might be too much for him.
ME: I'm on my way.
DAVIS: Take a cab. I borrowed your car.
ME: You're lucky you're at a hospital, because I'm going to kill you when I get there.
DAVIS: Remember, I'm still in a wheelchair.
ME: Hey wait a second, what bathroom have you been using?
DAVIS: The guy across the hall. He's cute and he has a jacuzzi tub.

Ah, love and marriage.

Aside From the Fact That We Hate Each Other

2011-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

JEREMY: Why are there two of you?

I've been put in an interesting position.

I arrived at Prisms around midnight on Saturday, and the place was packed. There was a line eight guys deep trying to get into the men's room.

RANDOM GUY #1: Somebody's passed out in front of the door.
RANDOM GUY #2: I think it's that Jeremy kid.

Please keep in mind, I have not suddenly developed a heart of gold. I just really needed to pee.

I managed to push through the line, push through the men's room door, to find Jeremy laying down on the ground nearly unconscious.

ME: You realize we're going to have to dip your entire body in bleach after we get you out of here, right?
JEREMY: Murn furry skirt.
ME: I'll take that as a 'Ritchie, you win the feud.'

I grabbed him, pulled him into an upright position, and managed to get him out of the club and to my car.

Maybe it was the break-up with Billy, or the fact that he looked so pathetic, but I just couldn't forsake him.

JEREMY: Blah spit.
ME: Don't you dare throw up in my car. It still smells from the Carter days.
JEREMY: Hos-pit-al.

That's when I could tell that he was in really bad shape.

ME: Well why not. From what I hear, you're the last person in your family NOT to go into the hospital recently.

I was joking--until he started choking.

ME: Shit!

After speeding all the way there, they managed to get him on a gurney and into the emergency room before I knew what was happening.

One of the nurses looked at me.

NURSE: Are you his friend?

Before I could think about it, I replied--

ME: Yeah. I'm his friend.

Thank God for This Blanket

2011-02-07T01:14:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

VOICE: Knock, knock.

I'm way too old to be hanging out in a dorm room waiting for my boyfriend to come back from the DIning Hall.

But here I am.

ME: Patrick?
PATRICK: So it's official? You and Jonathan--?

I really didn't want anything serious, but Jonathan refused to even kiss me unless we were in an official Facebook relationship together.

Why is it when you're younger you want to rush everything and when you get older you want to slow everything down? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

ME: Yeah, we're kind of seeing how it might work out if we were to, you know...
PATRICK: Okay, well, Facebook says you're dating. So I'm thinking that's pretty solid.
ME: Yeah, well...yeah.

Patrick came over and sat on the bed.

PATRICK: So I'm having a party this weekend at my parent's house and you guys should totally come.
ME: Yeah, that sounds like fun.
PATRICK: It'd probably be more fun if you just came by yourself.

Wow, the audacity on this guy.

Hitting on me in my boyfriend's room when he knows that I know that he's dating Billy.

It was kind of hot.

VOICE: What are you doing in here?

Until Jonathan showed up.

PATRICK: Just inviting you and your boyfriend to a party this weekend.
JONATHAN: We're going to be busy celebrating our two-week anniversary.

Oh my God...

ME: But we can spare an hour or so to have some fun.

Jonathan looked at me like I'd betrayed him.

He must have sensed something.

Like my raging erection.

PATRICK: Great. See you there.

Patrick practically skipped out of the room.

JONATHAN: So glad he's gone. I've been thinking about you all day.

Is it bad that when we proceeded with our...activities...Jonathan was not who I was thinking about?

Meet the Burrows

2011-02-07T01:05:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

PAIGE: This is so exciting!

This is a nightmare.

Paige wanted to meet her biological family, so I arranged for a family dinner.

ME: Paige, it's pretty much the same family you have now. My mom's single. She gave you up because your father was a soldier who died in some sort of accident.
PAIGE: Oh how tragic!
ME: And you have another brother.
PAIGE: Gay?
ME: I'm not sure there's a word for what Nolan is.

Normally, my little brother would be out of town on business. He's a--I kid you not--cosmetics salesman, who recently got his own line.

Nolan Cosmetics is already the third highest grossing cosmetics company in the country.

I was hoping that much responsibility would stabilize him, but giving him so much money has only made Nolan more out of control.

Luckily for everybody, he was in Providence the weekend I set up dinner with Paige.

NOLAN: Well if it isn't the newest addition to the family! Then again, maybe 'new' is too strong a word--
ME: Best behavior, Nolan.
PAIGE: Oh please, don't. It's like finding out I have Jackson as a brother all over again.

Mom was in the kitchen when we arrived.

ME: Mom?
MOM: She's here?
ME: Yeah.
MOM: I hope she likes bacon-wrapped scallops.
ME: Mom, anything wrapped in bacon is pretty much a win.

She gave me a big hug.

MOM: I'm nervous.
ME: Don't be. She's going to love you.
MOM: After what I did?
ME: You gave her up because you weren't sure you could raise three kids on your own. You wanted her to have a better life.
MOM: Did she?
VOICE: It depends what you mean by 'better.'

We turned around to see Paige standing in the kitchen. With her so close to my mom, the resemblance was more than clear.

MOM: Hello Paige.
PAIGE: Hi.

It seemed like Mom couldn't help herself any more. She ran over and gave Paige a big hug. Paige seemed shocked.

PAIGE: Sorry. We just don't really...hug...where I'm from.

I felt someone tugging at my sleeve. Nolan had wandered into the room.

NOLAN: Nathan, could I speak to you for a second?
ME: Are you going to try and get me to switch my lipstick brand? Because I'll have you know I'm very attached.
NOLAN: Very funny.

Uh oh.

We went into the downstairs bathroom while Mom and Paige chatted.

NOLAN: Nathan, I have stayed out of your life for almost four years. I don't go to clubs in Providence. I haven't asked to meet your friends. I'm not even sure what school you go to.
ME: Wow, you're really gunning for Brother of the Year, aren't you?
NOLAN: The point is--I haven't interfered. And now this--
ME: Nolan, I brought our sister back into our lives. I thought you would want that.
NOLAN: I am on the verge of taking the number two spot in this country in eye shadow and you give my competitors a family scandal?
ME: What scandal? This is all going fine.
NOLAN: This is poised to blow up in our faces.
ME: Well, if it does, it does. There's no going back now.

Something about Nolan's facial expression told me that he wasn't so sure about that.

But c'mon, you can't undo something like this.

Can you?

NOLAN: Just remember that if I have to clean up your mess, I'm going to do it my way--and you might not like it.
ME: Nolan, I realize you haven't actually gotten to know Paige, but she's been raised by people a lot tougher than you. I wouldn't mess with her.

Just then the bathroom door opened, and there was the newest mother/daughter team.

MOM: Boys! Dinner's ready!

Nolan put on his best smile, but behind those eyes, I could already see the wheels turning.

And Straight on 'Til Morning

2011-02-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: So how does it feel being free and clear?

I'm not free and clear.

ME: It feels...weird.

After I caught Patrick and Adam texting online, I started spending more time other places...and by other places, I mean Patrick's house.

We haven't done anything...really...but I'm not entirely sure I'd say I'm single either.

The whole thing is made even more complicated by the fact that Patrick has indicated that he did what he did to trap Adam.

PATRICK: And it worked. Hook, line, and whore.

Nobody's really supporting this whole thing, not even Ritchie.

RITCHIE: As someone who just got dumped for one of those freshmen, I can't really go with you on this one, kid.
ME: But I feel so awesome when I'm with Patrick.
RITCHIE: That's because you feel young because he's young and you're not.
ME: I am too!
RITCHIE: There's young and then there's embryonic.
ME: Ewww!
RITCHIE: He still has placenta on him.
ME: EWWW!!!

Maybe he's right--not about the placenta, but about the age thing.

PATRICK: Hey, tomorrow me and the besties are going to play laser tag and then grab lunch at Panera. You in?

It's just that I'm having so much fun.

ME: Sure, I'm in.
PATRICK: Cool. Now take off your shirt.

Maybe a little too much fun.

Like Trains on the Same Track

2011-02-03T12:56:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

SIMON: Hey Jackson, you're here early.

Lately, I've found myself getting to school about an hour before rehearsal for the musical actually begins.

With Jeremy going cuckoo for cocoa puffs, Mom in a coma, and Paige having an identity crisis, I need to go somewhere else for peace and quiet.

I was in the Fish Bowl when Billy's friend Simon walked in.

ME: Believe it or not, I'd prefer to be here rather than home. There are less knives being thrown.
SIMON: Sorry to hear that.
ME: Eh, it is what it is.
SIMON: That thing you did last night at rehearsal was really funny.
ME: You mean when I tripped Patrick and he fell into the wall?
SIMON: Yeah.
ME: That wasn't a 'thing.' I just don't like him.
SIMON: Oh.
ME: But I do plan on doing it every night. So you'll get to see it again.
SIMON: Ahhh cool.

This kid is clearly on the shy side.

And there's nothing hotter than a shy guy.

Too bad I've been reforming myself. Plus Billy threatened me with regards to Simon, and I don't think he was fooling around.

SIMON: Would you maybe want to grab something to eat before rehearsal?
ME: Uh, well...

Billy.
Billy.
Billy.

ME: Billy--
SIMON: --doesn't have to know?

Bingo.

Do I Look Like Mighty Mouse?

2011-02-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

IVAN: Helloooooo Prisms!

The snowmobile has arrived.

JEREMY: Ben, what are you doing here?
IVAN: Maybe he's trying to give us a run for our money.
ME: Ivan, can I talk to you for a second?

When Jackson called me to tell me that Jeremy was heading to Prisms to take on some sort of stupid challenge, I was already downtown working at the theater.

ME: I'll go check it out.

It seems to me like Ivan has been a big part of Jeremy's downward spiral, so I decided that I needed to have a little heart-to-heart with him.

IVAN: What can I help you with, champ?

...Or maybe a fist-to-face.

ME: Um, first off--
IVAN: Wow, presumptuous.
ME: Huh?
IVAN: That you're going to get a 'second of all' in here. We're kind of on a mission, champ.
ME: Okay, no more champ. And, I will get in as many 'of all's as I want, because you are seriously screwing up my business partner.
IVAN: Oh right, your business partner.
ME: Do I detect italics there?
IVAN: Look, I know why you showed up here. You thought your friend needed rescuing, but here's a surprise: He's fine. He needs this right now, okay? He needs a little fun. You CBQ's are all too damn serious.
ME: Hey kitten, here's a surprise: Jeremy was always the serious one of the group. He's the one who kept us all in line.
IVAN: Then maybe he needed a break.

As if to prove his point, we both heard a yell from the bar.

There was Jeremy, dancing--fulfilling the Wilde challenge.

JEREMY: Hey Ben! I'm five hundred bucks richer!
BEN: Not really something you want to yell out at a bar!

Ivan shot me a "See he's fine" look.

IVAN: Maybe what he really needs is some space.

He shrugged, and walked away.

As much as I hate to say it, maybe he has a point.

The Revenge of James Caan

2011-02-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

HANK: Do you want another pillow?
ME: Mememememememe...
HANK: The doctors said it was going to take a little while for you to get your bearings. I'm going to go make you some soup. You're not mad at me for giving you placebos, are you? I'm going to start going to whatever place you go to when you're addicted to pills. We can go through recovery together, won't that be fun?
ME: Mememememememe...
HANK: Exactly.

As soon as that dickhead left the room, I rolled myself out of bed and into my wheelchair.

Since Davis is my husband, and since I use his Healthcare, I can't kill him.

But I can give him something better.

I rolled into the closet across from the bathroom and started screaming.

As soon as Hank came running, I rammed into him using my wheelchair, shoving him into the bathroom. Before he could get up, I slammed the door shut, and placed a broom in front of it.

HANK'S VOICE: Davis? What are you doing?
ME: I believe it's called an intervention.
HANK'S VOICE: What?
ME: You're going to get all that nasty stuff out of your system while we wait for the snowstorm to wear off.
HANK'S VOICE: Um, Davis, you sound like you're losing it.
ME: It's possible. Almost dying can do that to you.
HANK'S VOICE: Davis, if I'm trapped in here, who will take care of you?
ME: I'm sure I can find someone who can do as good a job as you've been doing so far, Hank.

While he was pounding on the door, my phone started ringing.

ME: Hello?
JACKSON'S VOICE: Davis, it's me.
ME: You can't just say it's me. The only difference between your voice and Jeremy's voice is a slight lisp.
JACKSON: One, sorry you didn't die. Two, Jeremy's missing.
ME: What?
JACKSON: His car is still here, and he's gone. It's awful outside. Where could he be?
ME: Maybe he went for a walk?
JACKSON: I thought they said you WEREN'T taking your drugs?
ME: Have you tried calling him?
JACKSON: His phone is here and...

He trailed off.

ME: What?
JACKSON: Have you seen the Wilde Blog today?
ME: No, why?
JACKSON: I think I know where he is.

If it involves the Wilde Blog, this can't be good.

Up for the Challenge

2011-02-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

WILDE: Did you boys miss me?

Looks like someone's taken up Wilde's old domain.

The New Wilde Blog.com hit the web running, and I have to hand it to whoever is writing for it--the site looks great.

WILDE: I thought I'd issue my first Wilde Challenge.

Huh?

WILDE: That's right kids, we're going to have ourselves a little competition.

This can't be good.

WILDE: Tonight's another winter storm in Providence, but when did a little precipitation ever stop anybody from having a good time?

A little precipitation? It was a disaster outside. I'm not even sure anything is open.

WILDE: At midnight tonight, anybody that's dancing on the bar at Prisms will receive a cool five hundred bucks.

Five hundred bucks?

WILDE: I've left it with the bartender in a cute little pink envelope. Now, if there are more than one person on the box at midnight, you'll have to split the cash. That means you might want to get your kicking shoes out, kids.

I could definitely use the money. Now that I've taken up having a drink now and then, cash has been a little tight.

Jackson's holed up at the hospital in case Mom wakes up and tries taking a doctor hostage. Paige is with Nathan getting to know her new brother. Davis just got released and is back home recuperating and/or eating Hank alive for feeding him placebos.

That means I really don't have plans so...

If I said I want your body now...

There's my phone.

ME: Hello?
IVAN: Did you see the challenge?
ME: Wow, word travels fast.
IVAN: Are you up for it?
ME: Ivan, it's really bad out.
IVAN: I'll make you a deal. You can keep the whole five hundred. I just want to have an adventure.

It was already eight o'clock. If nobody saw that post and decided to go insane in the next four hours, then that money was mine.

ME: Let me get a shovel. My car must look like a carton of ice cream.
IVAN: Better idea.

I heard a noise outside.

When I looked out the window, there was Ivan.

On a snowmobile.

It's going to be a good night.

Facebook Ruins Lives

2011-02-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: So is your fake mom going to be okay?
PAIGE: She's in a coma. I'm so relieved.

Paige and I were Facebook chatting about her disaster of a family, when another chat box popped open.

PATRICK: Hey :o)

I haven't really talked to Patrick much, but he seems sort of fun.

ME: I have to try and get some homework done.
PAIGE: That's okay. I have to go find Joan's plug so I can pull it out.
ME: Good luck with that.
PAIGE: Thanks.

I checked over my shoulder to see if the light in the bedroom was on. Joey had been reading, but now I could hear the shower running.

ME: So what's up?
PATRICK: Um...me lol

Whoa, what was going on here?

ME: That's...interesting.
PATRICK: Yeah lol

Great. He's a constant LOLer.

PATRICK: Wanna help me out with that?
ME: Uh how?
PATRICK: Tell me what you would do if you were here :o)

And here's the bad part...

...I did.

It's just that Joey and I hadn't...been doing anything lately.

He'd just been so distant ever since we moved in together, and...

JOEY: Adam?

The laptop fell off my lap and landed on the floor.

ME: Hey, um, how was your--
JOEY: Shower?
ME: Yeah, that.
JOEY: It was...okay. Who are you talking to on Facebook?
ME: Nobody, I--nobody.

He moved towards the laptop. I tried to stand in his way, but he lightly pushed me aside, bent down, and picked it up.

It was only about a paragraph worth of text, but it was pretty damning all the same.

Joey looked at me with--not hurt, really, but sort of...disappointment...mixed with...relief?

JOEY: I think you're sleeping on the couch tonight.
ME: Yeah, I think I am.

I'm not trying to take the blame off me, but something about the whole situation just felt like...

...A trap.

Some Animals Eat Their Young

2011-02-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: The important thing is that she didn't mean to shoot you.

I never thought I'd hear myself say that sentence.

What am I saying? With this group, there are no guarantees.

After establishing that he and Paige are siblings, Nathan dropped an even bigger bomb.

He revealed who shot Jeremy.

JEREMY: Mom, how could you do this?

Yup.

Mommie Dearest pulled the trigger.

JOAN: Sweetie, I wasn't aiming for you.
ME: She was aiming for Davis.
JOAN: He had hired a detective. I thought he knew about Nathan. I was afraid he would tell someone.
JACKSON: So you were going to shoot him?
JOAN: A mother does desperate things to protect her children.
JEREMY: You can understand how I might take issue with the word 'protect' since you SHOT ME!

Joan was having better luck winning over her non-relatives.

BEN: Look, it's all done with, right? Why don't we just let it go?
JEREMY: Let it go? You want me to let of the fact that my own mother shot me?
PAIGE: Or that she's been framing Nathan for it?
NATHAN: Well, not exactly.

All eyes turned to Nathan.

NATHAN: I saw her do it.
ME: That's right. So why didn't you say anything?
NATHAN: I didn't want to screw up your family, especially after I found out that we're sort of...connected.
JACKSON: Ah yes, six degrees of insanity.
JEREMY: Enough of this. I'm calling the cops.

Joan jumped in front of him.

JEREMY: Move, mother.
JOAN: Darling, think about what you're doing.
JEREMY: I'm preventing you from ruining my life any more than you already have.
JOAN: You'll be putting the final nail in the coffin of this family!
JACKSON: Jeremy, do you want to use my cell phone?
JOAN: You can't do this!
JEREMY: Paige, you get the last vote.

We all looked at Paige.

PAIGE: Hey, she's not my mother.

Joan bolted for the door.

BEN: Somebody stop her.

We all ran into the hallway to see her fly down the stairs.

I managed to get ahead of the pack, but as soon as I was outside, I heard the brakes screech, and the sickening sound of a body hitting the pavement.

By the time everyone else was outside, I was already on the phone with the ambulance.

JEREMY: What happened?
ME: Ask him.

I pointed to the driver of the car that hit Joan.

BILLY: She just ran out in front of me.

What?

Are you surprised?

What We Have Here is a Situation

2011-02-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

VOICE: Okay, kitten. Time to wake up.

I'm tied to a bed.

VOICE: At least he's not dead.

And I don't mean that in a frisky way.

When I opened my eyes, Billy and Simon were standing on either side of the bed looking rather panicky. Well, Billy looked panicky. Simon looked like a member of the Donner party.

ME: Is this some sort of weird sex thing? Because so far, I'm only kind of into it.

Billy sat down on the bed.

BILLY: Ritchie, I don't think our relationship is working out.
ME: Because you're sexting with some eighteen-year-old whore from school and your friend just knocked me out with a frying pan?
BILLY: Let's not try to pinpoint exactly what the problem is. What matters is that we try to end things amicably.
ME: How about having you two arrested? Would that be amicable enough for you?

Simon took a step towards the bed, but Billy held up his hand, and he stopped.

ME: I see now you're the Gay Whisperer.
BILLY: Simon, I need to talk to my boyfriend--
ME: Ex!
BILLY: --Ex-boyfriend for a second.

Simon left the room.

BILLY: Look, I'm sorry about all this, but Simon was only trying to protect me. You threw me on the kitchen table.
ME: I guess when Jackson does it, it's hot.
BILLY: Do you want to take potshots at me or do you want to get untied?

Silence.

ME: I'm listening.

Billy leaned in and whispered.

BILLY: There's really no good way to say this, so I'm just going to come right out with it. Simon is crazy.
ME: News flash.
BILLY: Ritchie, trust me, you need to let me untie you, and then get him out of here. You do not want to push this.
ME: Or else what? He'll hit me with a colander?
BILLY: He's dangerous, Ritchie.
ME: Then why are you friends with him?
BILLY: It's a long story.
ME: Do I look like I'm going anywhere?
BILLY: It's better if you don't know.

He started to untie me.

ME: So this is how it ends? With you taking off with your psycho friend and me here alone with rope burn?

Billy gave me a kiss on the cheek.

BILLY: The truth is, I think I still have feelings for Jeremy.
ME: Ha! You don't have a prayer.

Billy started to walk away.

ME: Hey wait! You didn't finish untying me.

He smiled, and then threw my cell phone at me from the night stand.

ME: You used to be pretty popular, right? Call someone who cares.

With that, he was out the door.

Oddly enough, it was one of my more amicable break-ups.

The House Guest

2011-01-27T23:58:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

SIMON: I made a casserole for dinner--

Simon's been here for...

SIMON: --But I burnt it.

...A while now.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: Billy!

First thought?

Please tell me he didn't go through my phone.

RITCHIE'S VOICE: BILLY!

Second thought, he definitely went through my phone.

When he came into the kitchen carrying the phone, I realized that my instincts are way better than I give them credit for.

RITCHIE: Who's Jonathan?
ME: A guy.
RITCHIE: A guy?
ME: From school.
SIMON: He's cute.
ME: Simon!
SIMON: What? He is.
RITCHIE: And he's texted my boyfriend forty-seven times today alone.
SIMON: That's a lot.

Ritchie grabbed me and pushed me onto the kitchen table.

RITCHIE: Are you cheating on me?
ME: Ritchie, knock it off.
RITCHIE: I figured maybe you'd go back to Jeremy, but I didn't think--
ME: Stop it!
RITCHIE: Why are you pretending you don't like it rough? Or maybe I'm not going rough enough. Maybe I should--

That's when the frying pan went across the side of his head.

He was on the floor--unconscious.

Simon was standing there with the frying pan.

SIMON: Ready for dinner?

Oh no, I thought...

Not again.

This Is Where Things Get Complicated

2011-01-27T23:34:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

JACKSON: The hospital called. Davis is going to be fine now that he's actually, you know, getting his medication.
HANK: Salt, wound, got it.
JEREMY: Hank, there's really no good way to say this, why are you still here?
HANK: Hey, you never know, I might be related to you guys too.

This exchanged happened while I was sitting at the kitchen table in Jeremy's apartment. Joan had rushed out of the hospital and taken a taxi to who knows where leaving me to deal with the fall-out.

Paige was sitting across from me.

PAIGE: So...you knew?

Ben came out of the kitchen. Sometimes I wish we were still dating. Sometimes I--

BEN: Nathan?

I looked up at him. Then I realized everybody was looking at me.

BEN: I think it's time you talked.
JEREMY: I agree.
PAIGE: Jeremy--
JEREMY: And Hank, it's actually great you're here, since Davis can't explain why he lied about being Paige's brother.
HANK: He didn't lie. Your psychopathic mother did.
JACKSON: We prefer to call her McCrazypants.

I cleared my throat.

ME: She told me.
HANK: You sure she didn't lie to you too?
ME: I...uh...I got it confirmed. From my mother.
PAIGE: Oh my God.
ME: She told me last year, when I was in the...um...
JACKSON: Cult?
ME: Yeah. That. She thought I might already know, and she wanted me to keep it a secret.
JEREMY: So you didn't know until then?
ME: No. I didn't know I had a little sister.
PAIGE: Didn't you remember? From when you were a kid?
ME: I remember my mom being said for awhile, and later my Dad said she miscarried. That was it.

Jeremy was pacing. He looked like a caged animal.

JEREMY: So did you find about this before and after you tried to kill me?
BEN: Okay, can we just--
JEREMY: Was this some sort of weird, jealously thing?
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
JEREMY: God, I need a drink.
JACKSON: That's the last thing you need.
HANK: I'll have one.
PAIGE: I want to know.

Silence.

PAIGE: I want to know why you shot him.
BEN: Jesus.
PAIGE: He's my brother. You're, apparently, sort of, my brother. I need to know. I need to know why.
ME: I didn't.

Everybody checked in with everybody to see if they actually heard what I just said.

ME: I didn't shoot Jeremy.

I could tell they believed me. The truth sounds like the truth, doesn't it?

JEREMY: Do you know who did?

I started nodding before I said--

ME: Yes.

The door to the apartment opened--

ME: The person who did just walked in.

--and there it was.

The truth.

Skating with the Gays

2011-01-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

ADAM: I'm going to fall.

My boyfriend is going to fall on his ass in about five seconds.

ADAM: Falling!

And he's going to bring me down with him.

ADAM: Ahhh!

Unless I don't let him.

ME: I got you.

Instead, I save us both.

Funny how that's possible.

ADAM: Aw, love you.

Until it isn't.

A group of us from the musical decided to go ice skating downtown as a sort of cast bonding experience. I was against the idea. Mainly because it meant having Adam and--

PATRICK: Smooth moves there, Adam.

--Patrick in the same place.

The freshman has been trying to get me alone ever since our lunch where I told him we couldn't hang out because I have a boyfriend and--

JONATHAN: Whoa! Sorry!

--Seems like trouble has a way of just ramming right into you nowadays.

BILLY: Easy there, kid.

Jonathan skated on ahead. Adam looked uneasy.

ADAM: Making friends with the new kids, huh Billy?
BILLY: They're nice, Adam. Don't forget. You were them last year.
ME: Where's Ritchie?

For a second I thought Billy looked, what's the word?

BILLY: He doesn't like ice skating.

Guilty.

I wonder...

BILLY: See you guys at Starbucks later.

He skated on ahead.

ADAM: That is a big pile of trouble just waiting to happen.

On the word 'trouble,' I looked across the rink at Patrick.

And I wondered again...

ME: Yeah, big trouble.

Did Billy recognize the same look on my face that he had on his?

Let's Clear Some Things Up

2011-01-24T15:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: That's all we need in this f**ked up little family--a pill popper.

We all just found out that Hank has been taking Davis' medication, and has been giving him vitamins instead.

HANK: That's not true! I sold out of his meds online!

Sorry, I stand corrected.

JEREMY: You could have killed him!
HANK: Organic medicine is better for you anyway.
ME: Oh really? Then why don't you try tapering off your drug addiction with some B12?
BEN: You could have killed him!
JOAN: And left a paper trail.
RECEPTIONIST: Could you all please be quiet?
JEREMY, HANK, BEN, JOAN, and ME: Shut up!

It was at this moment that Paige realized she actually had a legal right to see Davis.

Of course, she was calm and collected.

PAIGE: I NEED TO SEE MY BROTHER!

Shirley Maclaine made less of a fuss in Terms of Endearment.

NATHAN: I should probably go.
ME: You sure you don't want to stab anybody first?
JOAN: Jackson, you're not helping.
ME: But having the man who shot your son here is?
JEREMY: We're focusing on Hank right now.
HANK: But maybe we should focus on someone else.
BEN: Not a chance.
NATHAN: I'll just go.
ME: And how about this time you don't come back?
BEN: Enough!

Ben shoved me. I shoved him back. Jeremy tried to get between us, but before he could, I pushed Ben onto the coffee table, and tried getting a punch in. I could feel Nathan trying to push me off, but then I heard Jeremy yell.

JEREMY: DON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR MY BROTHER!

I stopped and looked up. Jeremy had grabbed a pen from the Receptionist's desk, and had it up to Nathan's throat.

JEREMY: I should have done this a long time ago.
BEN: Jeremy, stop.
ME: Okay, Jeremy, relax.
JEREMY: You all want to know why I've been acting the way I have? He's why!
HANK: And now he's going to be the reason you go to prison.
JOAN: Listen to Hank, sweetheart.
ME: I'm not sure he should be listening to Hank when Hank nearly killed someone.
HANK: It was nothing personal! I just needed the drugs!
RECEPTIONIST: I'm calling the police!
PAIGE: Why are you all making this about you? This is about my brother!
NATHAN: HE'S NOT YOUR BROTHER!

Silence.

Jeremy dropped his pen down an inch.

JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Jeremy, don't let say anything. He's a liar. He hurt you. He--
NATHAN: Paige, I'm your brother.

This time the pen hit the floor, and Mom went down with it.

NATHAN: I'm your brother.

The hits just keep on coming.

Just Not the Flinstone Kind

2011-01-24T14:50:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: How's he doing?
JEREMY: They don't know. They don't even know how this happened.

When I heard Davis got rushed to the hospital, I got there as fast as I could. Unfortunately, that meant having to bring along my new intern.

NATHAN: What happened?
JACKSON: I see you brought the assassin.
ME: Shut up, Jackson. You've thrown people out of cars.
HANK: He means me.
JEREMY: Ben, can I talk to you for a second?

He pulled me aside. There was no way I was going to let him lecture me on bringing Nathan here when he brought his human yo-yo to the theater.

ME: Look, he and I were meeting about--
JEREMY: It's not about Nathan.
ME: Really?
JEREMY: Believe it or not, there are bigger problems.
ME: Like what?
JEREMY: I told everyone that the doctors weren't updating us, but that's not true. When we first got in, I told them that I was Davis brother and I didn't tell them about Hank.
ME: Okay, but what--
JEREMY: Davis hasn't been taking his medication, Ben.

As he was saying this, I could see the bottle of pills in his hand.

ME: Then what are those?

Jeremy held them up as if holding up a bloody knife.

ME: Vitamins.

So much for those keeping you out of the hospital.

Extended Family

2011-01-23T00:07:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

JOAN: Our first family dinner!

Can someone please explain to me how I wound up related to this woman?

HANK: Jeremy, you and I are finally siblings.
JEREMY: Hank, even if Paige and Davis really are siblings--
JOAN: They are, darling.
JACKSON: It still wouldn't change anything aside from who Paige borrows money from.
JEREMY: Exactly.
PAIGE: Aw, I miss you guys already.

Joan was serving the meal at Jeremy and Jackson's place. I couldn't eat much since the treatment makes my stomach send back everything I try serving it, but I have to admit, it was a little nice being around a family. Even a really screwed up one.

ME: Thanks for having us to dinner.
JEREMY: Davis, you can come to dinner here anytime you want.
JACKSON: When it isn't being thrown around the room at whomever says something dumb.
JOAN: That was one time!

Jeremy slammed his hands down on the table.

JACKSON: And it begins.
JEREMY: This is ridiculous.
JACKSON: It's like our seder.
JEREMY: Mom, Davis is not Paige's brother.
JOAN: Darling, I know this must be hard for you.
JEREMY: No, it's not. Because it's not true. Paige may not be our sister, but there is no way--even in a state this small--that she is the sister of my best friend.
PAIGE: But Jeremy, think how much fun that would be!
JEREMY: That's just it, Paige. Think about the way our lives work. Does anything ever happen for the best? If you're someone else's sister, that means you're the sister of somebody that none of us would approve of.

Jeremy has a point.

HANK: Joan, maybe if you told us how this all--
JOAN: Davis' parents gave up Paige for adoption and then they died and we all lived happily ever after. End of story.
JACKSON: That's nearly as plausible as the story of how Mom's not an alcoholic.

That was when the first dinner roll went flying.

JOAN: Let's exercise the family tradition of eating in silence, shall we?

But I couldn't eat. I couldn't even think. Suddenly everything was becoming blurry.

JEREMY: Davis, are you--

I was already falling off my chair.

Luckily, I think this family has 9-1-1 on speed dial.

Working Overtime

2011-01-22T23:42:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

IVAN: Are we going to get in trouble?
ME: Ivan, I own half the company. Relax.

Ivan and I stopped by the theater space after a night out at the club once my intervention/e.r. fiasco was complete.

IVAN: So your mom is fine?
ME: Just having one of her 'nobody is paying attention to me so my body is shutting down' incidents.
IVAN: Does she do that a lot?
ME: Usually only when one of her children is in trouble or experiencing happiness.
IVAN: Well, at least nobody got hurt.
ME: Yeah, and the whole thing was so distracting everybody forgot about the intervention.
IVAN: I think people who are capable of forgetting an intervention probably shouldn't be throwing an intervention in the first place.
ME: You stage an intervention. You don't throw it. It's not a surprise party.
IVAN: It kind of is--just not for the person it's being thrown for.

I was really hoping we'd both be high by now, but with the way the conversation was going, it might not even be necessary.

IVAN: Hey, I have a surprise for you.
ME: Oh yeah? What?

That was when he picked me up, pushed me onto my desk, and started sucking on my neck.

ME: Ivan--
IVAN: Nobody's here.
ME: I'd like to just go one day without acting irresponsible.
IVAN: Great. That day can be tomorrow.

He took off my shirt and started kissing down my stomach. I started unbuttoning his pants.

Then--

VOICE: WHOA!

The lights came on.

BEN: What the hell are you doing?

I threw my shirt on, but I think Ben was aware that I wasn't auditioning Ivan for a role.

Then again--

BEN: Jeremy, can I see you in private for a second?
IVAN: I think you've seen a lot of private stuff already, bro.
BEN: Bro?
ME: Ben, relax.
BEN: Don't tell me to relax. You're having sex in the office.
ME: It's not like I'm billing anybody for it.
BEN: I'm guessing the intervention didn't take.
ME: YOU KNEW ABOUT THAT?

Ben threw down the stack of papers he was carrying. They fell everywhere.

ME: I guess I'm cleaning those up.
BEN: Don't bother. Our new intern can do it.
ME: Intern?
BEN: Yeah, I just decided to hire him.
ME: What's his name?

Ben smiled.

BEN: Nathan.

In other words, the guy who shot me.

We're All Here Because We Love You

2011-01-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

JEREMY: What the hell are you all doing here?

This is an intervention.

JEREMY: Is this an intervention?
HANK: No.
PAIGE: Hank! Yes, it is!
HANK: I thought we were lying to him?
JACKSON: We lied to him to get him here. Now he's here, so we don't have to lie anymore.
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have Gaga tickets in my car. You sit here for an hour, and they're yours.

Jeremy quietly sat down.

DAVIS: See how easy that was?
JOAN: Not all of us are interested in buying what we want.
JACKSON: This from the woman who spent more on her last purse than she did on my birthday present.
JOAN: I bought you a birthday present?
JEREMY: I bought the damn present!
JACKSON: Figures.
ME: HEY!

Everybody looked at me.

ME: I'm running this intervention. I'm the one who's seen the show a million times. Now everybody just shut up until it's your turn to talk. I have the talking frog.

I held up the stuffed animal we found in Paige's room.

JEREMY: I cannot believe this is happening.
ME: Jeremy, we're all here because we love you.
JOEY: Some of us were told there'd be cake.
JEREMY: You don't think you're all being just a little hypocritical?
HANK: Why hypocritical? We're not drunk messes.

Everybody turned and looked at Joan.

JOAN: Maybe I should go get some coffee!

Joan got up to go to the kitchen.

JEREMY: Davis, you--
DAVIS: I know what you're going to say, and yes, I've acted really badly in the past.
HANK: The past?
DAVIS: Last week--but I was never out of control. Jeremy, you're out of control.

Jeremy stood up.

JEREMY: You know what--
JACKSON: Jeremy, sit down.
JEREMY: Great. Another slutty peanut from the gallery!
JACKSON: We're all worried about you!
JEREMY: No, you're worried because for once there isn't anybody to clean up your messes! Suddenly you have to do it yourself! Oh, and Heaven forbid if I should need taking care of!
PAIGE: Sweetie, we're willing to help you. But you have to let us.
DAVIS: We know this all goes back to the shooting.

Uh oh.

ME: Let's not dig up the past. This is about the future.
JEREMY: Do you all understand that somebody shot me? And they're still out there walking around! They might even be someone I know!
HANK: Of course it's someone you know. It's Nathan. It had to be.
ME: It's not Nathan.

Now all eyes were on me.

ME: Um...I mean...probably not.
PAIGE: Adam--
JEREMY: Did you remember something?
ME: I just remembered that it wasn't Nathan. That's all.
DAVIS: But wouldn't you have to remember that it was someone else to remember that it wasn't Nathan?
HANK: What exactly do you remember?
ME: I--

Suddenly there was a crash from the kitchen.

JEREMY: Mom?

We all ran into the next room where Joan was lying on the floor unconscious.

JACKSON: I'm going to call 9-1-1.

So much for the intervention.

A Few Little Pills Never Hurt

2011-01-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: I need another two.
ME: No chance.

Medicating Davis has become my new full-time job.

DAVIS: C'mon, Hank. I just found out I have a sister. This hasn't exactly been your typical week.
ME: These pills are really addictive. I can't just give it to you whenever you feel like it.
DAVIS: I've had those sorts of relationships before, and let me tell you something, they're a lot better than this.
ME: Actually, we should be weaning you off the pills.
DAVIS: Nooo! I hate weaning!

I don't plan on weaning Davis off the drugs completely. After all, I've discovered that they do wonders for me.

After sneaking one or two here and there, I decided that it's fun to be medicated.

Oh go ahead, and judge me, but you try being in a sham marriage with a sick person and see if it doesn't put you on edge.

ME: You know, you shouldn't take Joan at her word.
DAVIS: My detective backed it up.
ME: I can't believe you hired a detective.
DAVIS: It was for Jeremy. To find out if Paige was up to something with this whole adoption thing.
ME: Why would Paige be up to something?
DAVIS: I don't know, but don't you think it's a little strange that she turns out to be my sister?
ME: Did your parents--
DAVIS: My parents both died when I was young. My grandparents raised me. They never mentioned a daughter.
ME: So you're saying there's a chance?

Knock, knock.

ME: I'll get it.
DAVIS: If there were a chance, it would be great. A bone marrow donor could save my life.

I opened the door.

PAIGE: Hi Hank, is my brother here?

I'm going to need to refill Davis' prescription.

Overheard in the Men's Room

2011-01-18T23:58:00.003-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ME: Joey, will you please take off those stupid sunglasses? We’re inside.
JOEY: I don’t want anyone to see me with you.

Ever since Jeremy and I stopped being friends, our little group has divided.

Since Joey is dating Adam and Adam is best friends with Paige and Paige is Jeremy’s adopted sister—

God, I hate Rhode Island .

ME: We’re just getting a drink. I figured you’d need to get out of the house now that you’re caged in with Adam.
JOEY: No saying nasty things about my boyfriend!
ME: So you’re saying you don’t hate being tied up?
JOEY: Ew, we don’t do that.
ME: I meant—never mind.

I excused myself to use the men’s room. Due to my aversion for urinals, I went into a stall and closed the door. A few seconds later, I heard voices.

Dear God, I thought, please do not let me hear bathroom sex.

VOICE #1: I wonder if he’s here by himself.
VOICE #2: Joey doesn’t go anywhere by himself.

Wait, that second voice was Jeremy.

VOICE #1: He looked scared to see you.
JEREMY: That’s how he always looks. He’s like a perpetual wombat.

The recorder on my IPhone went on faster than a hooker’s make-up.

VOICE #1: He was nice to me at the wedding.
JEREMY: Ivan, Joey’s nice to everyone to their face. He’s incredibly fake.

That’s right, baby. Keep talking.

IVAN: So why does Adam like him?
JEREMY: Because Adam only dates people who hate him. He gets off on it.

Please, let him keep going.

JEREMY: Billy’s the same way.
IVAN: What about Ben?
JEREMY: Ben just needs to be the good-looking one in the relationship. That’s why he stayed with Nathan for so long. He’d be too insecure with somebody attractive.

That must be why he had a thing for you.

IVAN: I can’t keep all you guys straight.
JEREMY: Here let me summarize.

Oh yes, please do.

JEREMY: Davis likes to think he’s a bigshot, Ben is an eternal asshole, my brother Jackson needs constant attention, Nathan is nuts, Billy is clinically self-conscious, Joey is two-faced, Adam is spoiled, Hank is needy, and I’m a mess.

You can say that last part again.

Wait until I post this online. That ought to get a few friends over to my side.

IVAN: What about that guy Ritchie?

There was a bit of silence.

Go ahead, Jeremy, I thought, let me have it.

JEREMY: Actually, I kind of miss Ritchie. He was always there for me when I needed him. Oh well. Are we going to go trip, or what?
IVAN: Here’s your magic pill, kid.

I think the IPhone was still recording when the bathroom door shut.

He misses me?

The Freshman

2011-01-18T23:58:00.001-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

JONATHAN: Excuse me, but you’re doing it wrong.
ME: Excuse me, but excuse me?

Why is it that every year there’s another freshman who thinks he knows everything?

I was thinking that this year it would be Patrick, but so far he’s too busy hitting on Joey when Adam’s not looking.

And so the winner is—

JONATHAN: It’s supposed to go step, clap, clap, down. You’re only clapping once, and then going down.
JACKSON : Usually he goes down, and then gives you the clap.
ME: Shut up, Jackson .

I was hoping that Jackson wouldn’t get in the musical this year, but not only did he get in—

JACKSON : Fine, I’ll just go back to looking at all my lines.

He got the lead.

JACKSON : My many, many lines.
HANK: …Of coke.
JACKSON : Shut up, Hank.

This might be why it takes us two weeks to block one number.

After rehearsal, I walked out to my car to find Jonathan waiting for me.

JONATHAN: I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk.
ME: It’s okay. You just might want to think about how you phrase things.
JONATHAN: I try, but when I’m around you, I get really nervous.

Instantly, he began to blush.

JONATHAN: I mean, you guys. When I’m around, you know, you guys, and, um, you know what? I’m just going to walk back to the dorms. Sorry. Really. Yeah.

It’s funny. All that stuttering and twitching—

ME: Hey wait.
--It reminded me of Jeremy.

ME: Do you need a ride back to the dorms?

Even funnier?

He has Jeremy’s smile too.

A Business Proposal

2011-01-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

BEN: Is this a joke?

I just went into the lion's den.

BEN: This had better be good.

Part of my new theater administration degree program is an internship with an independent theater for the semester.

And after trying every other theater in town, I had no choice but to go to Ben.

BEN: You're aware that half this company is run by Jeremy, right?
ME: Do you think I'd be here if I had any other choice?
BEN: He's never going to let you work here, Nathan.
ME: I was thinking maybe he wouldn't have to know.
BEN: Aren't you supposed to be trying to convince me that you're not insane?

I explained to Ben that I could do most of the marketing for the company without Jeremy even having to know about it. It would take some weight off Ben--which apparently would be welcome with Jeremy slowly unraveling--and I could complete my internship.

BEN: I can't do something like this behind Jeremy's back.
ME: Why not? You said you're done with him personally anyway.
BEN: Personally, yes. Professionally--
ME: Ben--
BEN: Did you shoot him?

It was the first time anyone ever came right out and asked me the question--aside from the police.

ME: I...

I didn't know what to say. I don't want to lie, but I can't tell the truth either.

ME: I can't say.

Ben stood up at his desk.

BEN: Well, until you can, you can't work for me. Sorry.

He gathered up his stuff and left.

I know the truth is going to come out eventually, but I'm not sure I have the bravery to be the one who announce it.

Market Value

2011-01-16T01:33:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

PATRICK: Can I ask a question?

I shouldn't be here.

PATRICK: Why is every guy at OSC lame?
ME: Um, that's sort of hard to...What?

Patrick asked me to get lunch with him. Adam hates Patrick, so I probably should have said "No," but I'm not good at thinking on my feet.

Plus, Patrick doesn't seem to be interested in me, so I figured it would be okay to hang out with him for a little while.

But then I got to thinking--

PATRICK: Like, why do you all have boyfriends?

--Why isn't he into me?

ME: Well, because we met people that we liked and--
PATRICK: But you're in college.
ME: Um, yeah.
PATRICK: You can be in million-year-long relationships for the rest of your life. College is supposed to be about having fun.
ME: I am having fun.

Patrick shot me a look. He sees right through me.

I love being with Adam, but being off the market is definitely a new feeling to get used to.

I don't go out anymore. I don't do anything wild and spontaneous.

I can actually tell you what happened on NCIS last week.

PATRICK: Look, you're cute and all, but this whole serious relationship thing makes you look old and old is not cute, so you're sort of not cute.
ME: But what about the whole forbidden fruit thing?
PATRICK: Yeah, but you're not really forbidden.
ME: Yeah, I am. I'm taken. That makes me forbidden.
PATRICK: Look, I don't want to work at having an affair or anything when I'm with a guy. I just want to have fun. Fun is what gives you a high market value.

Wow, things have changed.

Back when Billy and I were the prime real estate in the theater department being innocent and soft-spoken was the way to go.

Now you have to be fun?

ME: I can be fun!

Patrick smiled, leaned over, and whispered in my ear.

PATRICK: Prove it.

Yeah, I definitely shouldn't be here.

He Could Work

2011-01-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

VOICE: Hey psycho!

That could be a number of people.

I was sitting in the Fish Bowl at OSC when I heard a voice and realized I was probably getting mistaken for my brother.

BILLY: Oh sorry, I thought you were Jeremy.
ME: That's been happening a lot. I miss the days when I was the one people wanted to kill.
BILLY: He gave Ritchie a black eye.
ME: I also miss the days when I was giving Ritchie black eyes.
BILLY: This isn't funny, Jackson. He's out of control.
ME: Did I ever give Ritchie a black eye? I feel like I should have. It's hard to remember who you've assaulted...and who you've slept with.
BILLY: Clearly I'm getting nowhere with you.

Just then, one of the freshman approached Billy.

FRESHMAN: Hey Billy, did you still want to get lunch?
ME: And who is this?
BILLY: Jackson, this is Simon. Simon, don't ever date Jackson.
ME: Nice to meet you!
SIMON: I guess I'll head to the dining hall. Nice meeting you too, Jackson.

He took off, and I couldn't help but feel a break within myself.

With Jeremy being the new wild child, I've been trying to turn over a new leaf and be more responsible and less dramatic. The old me wouldn't have looked twice at Billy's friend, but the new me...

ME: He seems nice.
BILLY: Don't even think about it.
ME: Billy, I'm not the same person I was nine months ago. Why won't you accept that people change? God knows Jeremy has.

For a second, I thought I saw a look of pain cross Billy's face, and then he took off.

Well, like it or not, I'm going to look into taking his little friend out on a date.

I may have changed for the better, but that stubborn streak hasn't gone anywhere.

Next Time Say "Yes"

2011-01-13T22:05:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

ADAM: Thank God the plows showed up. I was afraid we were going to have to eat each other.
ME: Considering we were in a room full of gay men, the cumulative weight of the entire club was probably four and a half pounds.

It was about four thirty in the morning by the time we got out of the club. Jeremy spent most of the night avoiding Paige since he was now under the impression that she was the one who shot him.

I dragged him off to the side to see if I could talk some sense into him.

ME: Why would your sister want to shoot you?
JEREMY: I don't know! She's a member of my family. That means she's, at the very least, eighty-five percent crazy.
ME: She's adopted, remember?
JEREMY: THAT EXPLAINS IT! Serial killers are always adopted.
ME: How drunk are you right now?
JEREMY: Does being drunk make you paranoid?
VOICE: Hey!

We both turned around to see some kid walking towards us. I had seen him dancing in the club, and he looked my way a few times, but since he looked like he still had womb on him, I wasn't planning on talking to him.

(That's right. I'm actually not into younger guys. Remind me to see a therapist before I have full-blown Daddy issues.)

YOUNG GUY: Hey, what's up?

I could see Jeremy's jealousy streak jump out of his eyes like a mean little leprechaun...of envy...or something.

JEREMY: Hi, do we--
YOUNG GUY: Um, I was talking to your friend.

Now, if this was Old Jeremy this little guy just sassed, I wouldn't be too concerned. He was never the fighting kind.

New Jeremy on the other hand--

JEREMY: Beg your pardon?

The Youngin' held his hand out to me completely ignoring Jeremy.

Not a good idea.

YOUNG GUY: I'm Patrick. I go to OSC.
ME: Ohhh, Jeremy and I went there.
PATRICK: Yeah, that's--whatever. Do you want to hang out sometime?

That's where Jeremy's leprechaun began to do his little dance of death.

JEREMY: Excuse me, but how do you know my friend and I aren't boyfriends?
PATRICK: Boyfriends don't go to clubs together.
JEREMY: That's a sweeping generalization, wouldn't you say?
PATRICK: I don't know what that means.
JEREMY: So OSC was your first choice, and Harvard was the back-up?
PATRICK: Huh?

This was going to be a bloodbath.

JEREMY: This is my friend. He and I hang out a lot. That means if we were to hang out with you, I'd have to see you. And I don't want to see you--ever. So don't bother giving him your number, because as soon as you do, I'm going to personally delete it from his phone, go home, find you on Facebook, and report you as an escort peddling his services to whomever happens to have ten dollars and an open futon.

That was when Patrick decided to slowly inch away--good move on his part.

ME: Are you out of your mind?

Adam, Paige, and Hank walked up to us.

PAIGE: You met Patrick?
ADAM: I hate him. He's a freshman and he's already favored to get the lead in Kiss Me, Kate.
HANK: Nice hair. When's he getting the rest of the operation done?

I wasn't interested in getting catty.

ME: That was out of line.
JEREMY: You liked him?
ME: No, but you have no right to get territorial like that!
JEREMY: I wasn't getting territorial!
HANK: He was probably just being jealous.

Jeremy shot Hank a look, but that just meant it was true.

ME: If you want to act like my boyfriend, you should have actually, you know, become my boyfriend when I asked.
PAIGE: You asked?
ME: I did more than ask; I proposed.
PAIGE, ADAM, and HANK: WHAT?!?!?

Oh right, that's a secret. Oops.

Paige hit Jeremy.

PAIGE: Ben proposed to you and you said 'No?'
ADAM: Wow, you're still hurting over Billy, huh?
JEREMY: No! I'm not hurting over anybody! I'm hurting because I almost died and when I did, I wasn't even a person! I had no personality. I had no identity. I'd never even gotten drunk before!
HANK: You're certainly making up for that now.

So that's where all this crazy behavior was coming from.

ME: When you woke up in the hospital, and I proposed, you said 'No' because you didn't love me.
JEREMY: And that was true!
ME: What's true is that you love punishing people. Anybody who doesn't fit on the pedestal you make for them never gets a second chance when they fall off. That's fine, but don't think you can string me along and chase off other guys who want me. The only reason you're mad Billy is with Ritchie now is because that would be one more person vying for your attention. I may not like Billy but he wanted to stay here and make sure you were okay and after he left Kurt for you you still told him to take off. Now, he's gone, I'm done, and the only person left to punish is yourself. Screw this.

I started walking to my car, and guess who I ran into along the way.

PATRICK: Hey, where's your friend?

I kissed him right on the mouth.

ME: What friend?

From now on, I'm on my own.

Just So We're Clear

2011-01-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Do I have to strangle you to death in my own apartment?

My husband is trying to destroy me.

HANK: What part of 'state of emergency' don't you understand?
ME: It's just snow, Hank. It's frozen water.
HANK: Actually, that's ice.
ME: Fine. So we're talking Slushies here. Now get out of my way.

But when I opened the door--

JOAN: Well hello.

--I knew I was going anywhere.

ME: If I don't invite you in, does that mean you can't enter?
JOAN: That's only for vampires.
ME: Exactly.
JOAN: Hank!

Excellent. She's spotted other bait. Maybe I can sneak out the--

HANK: I should be going.
ME: Going? Going where?
HANK: Someone has to make sure the gays don't tear down the club trying to get out.
JOAN: Oh sweetheart, there's a parking ban. The roads are a mess. You could die out there.
ME: Yeah, stay here with me and Joan.
HANK: I'll take my chances with the prospect of death. Bye bye!

Hank took off leaving me alone with Joan. I tried to remember where I keep my sharpest knives.

Joan sat down on our couch, and removed a piece of paper from her purse.

ME: What's that?
JOAN: That's the report I received from the detective you hired.
ME: What detective?
JOAN: Don't play dumb with me, Davis. I know you hired someone. Your mistake was hiring someone who couldn't be bought out at a better price.
ME: I hired someone to do some digging and figure out who could be a bone marrow match for me.
JOAN: And?
ME: And he couldn't find anybody.
JOAN: Oh, he found someone. He just didn't tell you. Because I got to him first.
ME: Joan, what is this about?

She stood up and went over to my bar to fix herself a drink.

JOAN: I thought maybe you were doing it for Jeremy--or Jackson--who knows? I didn't realize you had cancer at the time.
ME: Leukemia.
JOAN: Whatever.
ME: Again, does this actually pertain to you?

Joan smiled at me.

JOAN: Not so much to me, but to Paige, yes.
ME: I'm sorry?
JOAN: She's your match.

She held up the paper--the proof that I had a match. That I wasn't going to die!

ME: That's amazing! Paige is my match?
JOAN: Oh, she's not just your match, Davis.

And that's when her smile disappeared.

JOAN: She's your sister.

And mine went right along with it.

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

2011-01-12T02:43:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

BEN: Are you sure you want to be here right now?
ME: I'm fine, Ben. I'll be even better once I have a few drinks in me.

I was at Davis' club--although who knew where Davis was--enjoying the Blizzard party.

BEN: I'm not sure I like Drinking Jeremy.
ME: Oh so, it's been fine and dandy all these years while everyone I know has been getting drunk but as soon as I develop a taste for it, it's a problem?
BEN: Only because you can't hold your liquor.
ME: That is a foul lie.

I would have said more, but the room had begun to spin.

VOICE: Maybe somebody needs to call it an early night.

I turned around to see myself talking to myself.

ME: Whoa.
JACKSON: Twins, remember?
ME: Riiiiiight. Still freaky though.
JACKSON: Ben, we should get him home.
BEN: We're not going anywhere. They've closed all the roads.
JACKSON: Did Davis know this was going to happen?
ME: Where IS Davis?

Suddenly, I was having a flashback to the night I got shot.

All this time I thought it was one of the boys...

Then there she was.

JACKSON: Looks like Paige decided to join the party.
BEN: Great. She brought Adam.

It was her.

ME: I remember.
BEN: What?
ME: It was Paige.
JACKSON: What are you--
ME: She did it.

Paige is the one who shot me.

Adam's Bad Memory

2011-01-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

PAIGE: You remember, don't you?

I had a feeling she wasn't talking about our coffee date.

Paige showed up at my apartment right before the blizzard was supposed to start looking determined.

I guess Jeremy spiraling out-of-control had an affect on her.

PAIGE: He needs to know what happened.
ME: I told you. I don't remember.
PAIGE: He's going to figure it out.
ME: Let him then. It's none of my business.
PAIGE: But you saw it!
ME: I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!

Joey came out from the bedroom.

JOEY: Is everything okay?
ME: Yeah, it's fine. I'll meet you at the club, okay?
PAIGE: You're going out in the storm?
JOEY: There's a Blizzard Party at Davis' club.
PAIGE: What if you get stranded there?
ME: Better than getting stranded here.
JOEY: Gee, thanks.

I feel like I always put my foot in my mouth around Joey. Even though he's my boyfriend, I feel like I'm still trying to win him over.

He went downstairs to warm up the car, and I tried to convince Paige that I really don't remember anything.

I'm not lying. That night's really hazy.

JACKSON: Someone get an ambulance!

Even if I did remember everything, do I really want to tick off whoever put a bullet in Jeremy?

ME: I'm sorry, Paige, but I can't help.
PAIGE: Fine. Then you leave me no choice.
ME: Huh?

That was when she pulled out the photos.

PAIGE: Now, should we talk or do I go show these to Joey?

I realized that I better start remembering really soon.

Hank the Housewife

2011-01-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

DAVIS: Hank! I need my soup!

That's my husband.

He's been recuperating from his treatment, and somehow I got wrangled into taking care of him.

ME: Isn't it enough that our fake marriage is giving you healthcare? Now I have to tend to you as well?
DAVIS: I would have Jeremy do it, but he's been acting weird lately.
ME: That's because he's turned into a hot mess.

Jeremy's been drinking--a lot. Then recently he showed up at a Starbucks with Davis and knocked Ritchie out.

ME: And you apparently got involved?
DAVIS: I just prevented that little bitch Billy from getting involved.
ME: Yeah, why should he interfere. Jeremy was only trying to murder his boyfriend.
DAVIS: Those two deserve each other. Oh Hank, I wanted crackers mixed into the soup, not on top of the soup.

I grabbed a handful of the crackers, pushed them into the soup with my fingers, and smiled.

DAVIS: You know I'm supposed to avoid contact with germs, right?
ME: You know my hands are cleaner than almost everybody you've slept with, right?
DAVIS: Love you.
ME: Love you too!

The funny thing is--I do.

Ever since I started working for Davis last year at his club, I developed strong feelings for him.

To be honest, I wasn't all that upset when he proposed. I was hoping if we started living together, maybe...

DAVIS: We should go down to the club tonight and make sure they're ready for the party tomorrow.
ME: Party? Davis, there's going to be a blizzard. Nobody's going anywhere.
DAVIS: I guess you didn't get the e-mail blast.

That was when my phone vibrated.

MESSAGE FROM DAVIS: Join us tomorrow night for a BLIZZARD BLAST!

Leave it to Davis to turn a State of Emergency into a promotional opportunity.

ME: You do realize if this works, every gay guy in Rhode Island will be trapped together under one roof with nothing but alcohol and bitterness for hours?

Davis smiled.

DAVIS: Now that's a party.

Little does he know he's not going.

Doctor's orders.

(Doctor meaning me.)

Ritchie's Boyfriend

2011-01-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

BILLY: You are the most understanding boyfriend that ever walked the face of the earth.
ME: If you're going to compliment me, you're going to have to do better than that.

Billy and I were at the Starbucks in Wayland Square on a Sunday morning enjoying each other's company.

I've never been with anybody that I wanted to just sit and look at until now.

Who would have thought my "one" would be Billy?

Oh sure, I know what you're thinking.

I wound up with Jeremy's ex--it must be revenge. Well, you're wrong.

The fact that me being with Billy probably ticks off Jeremy is just an added bonus.

After Jeremy got shot, Billy got a job doing theater in Boston. I happened to get a job at the same theater, and we ended up really connecting. When fall rolled around, we decided it was pointless to get two separate apartments, and we've been happily living together ever since.

And neither one of us has said so much as a word to Jeremy in almost nine months.

You might think we're cruel for not checking in with someone after they've suffered a serious trauma, but I doubt Jeremy wants to hear from either of us anyway.

BILLY: Uh oh.

As if on cue--

Jeremy and Davis walked into the Starbucks. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw us.

BILLY: We should go.
ME: No! We live around the corner from here. Davis lives on the west side. I'm not going to stop coming here. Let him go to one of the downtown Starbucks. We're staying where we are.

Davis and Jeremy seemed to be talking something over, and then they started walking towards us.

BILLY: This is not going to go well.
ME: Relax, what's Jeremy going to do? Hit me?

When Jeremy was within speaking distance, I stood up.

And that was when he hit me.

Clocked me would be the better word--right on the jaw.

Before I had time to think, Billy jumped up but Davis shoved him back down into the chair.

I looked up at Jeremy. For a second I thought I was crazy, but...he looked kind of...

...Hungover.

JEREMY: Nice to see you too, Ritchie.

Then he and Davis walked out.

Billy's Old Friend

2011-01-09T23:41:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

Knock, knock.

VOICE: Oh my God, it's 3am.
ME: I'll get it.
VOICE: On a Tuesday.
ME: Go back to sleep.
VOICE: I could see on a Friday--
ME: It's okay.
VOICE: --Even a Thursday.

Knock, knock.

Strangely enough, I had a feeling I knew who it was.

Word was out that a kid at OSC was asking around about me. I'd been making myself scarce since my return to Rhode Island.

I skipped Fall semester after Jeremy got shot. It was touch-and-go there for awhile, and I decided I couldn't be around if he...

So I moved to Boston for a little bit, and that's when my boyfriend and I got together.

It figures as soon as you start liking the present, the past makes a grand reappearance.

SIMON: Hey.

This is Simon.

We went to high school together, and then he took off to go to school in England.

SIMON: I'm back.

He's back.

ME: Are you still on London time?
SIMON: Huh?
ME: It's 4am.
SIMON: Don't I even get a hug?

I hugged him. It's hard to explain, but it's really difficult to be mad at Simon.

ME: Come on in.
SIMON: I'm not here to bother you. I just didn't know where else to go. I thought I was going to end up sleeping in my car tonight--
ME: What?
SIMON: And then an hour ago somebody at a bar told me you were living here. I think his name was Jackson?
ME: Yeah, that sounds about right.

That means by tomorrow, everybody is going to know I had a guy looking for me at a bar.

Let the rumors begin.

SIMON: I should probably try to find a motel I can stay at until I get everything straightened out.
ME: You're not staying with your family?
SIMON: No. I don't even want them knowing I'm back in town.
ME: Simon, that's not--
SIMON: Billy, you know they wouldn't understand what's going on with me.

He's right.

ME: Well, you can stay here.
SIMON: Really? I wouldn't be imposing?
ME: No, of course not. We've known each other since we were fourteen. You're always welcome.

I heard a throat clear.

We turned to see my boyfriend standing in the doorway of our bedroom.

ME: Right, uh, Simon--

Hopefully he'd understand that I couldn't turn away my old friend.

ME: --this is my boyfriend.

I just had to brief him on a few things once Simon was asleep.

ME: --Ritchie.

Ritchie stepped forward and shook Simon's hand.

RITCHIE: Nice to meet you.

Nathan's Back at School

2011-01-07T00:07:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

VOICE: Hey!

When I turn around, there's a boy with ridiculously long hair staring back at me.

VOICE: You're cute. I'm Patrick.

This is what I get for not transferring.

After getting brainwashed by a group of nutbags from Rhode Island College, my family sent me away to a detox facility in Pasadena.

I hadn't planned on coming back, but I missed most of the application dates for other schools, so now here I am trying to lay low while completing the credits I need to graduate.

It isn't easy avoiding the CBQ's still on-campus. That's how I wound up in an Appreciation of Theater class that only freshman and non-majors take.

PATRICK: Are you single?

And now I'm getting hit on by kids who were in high school last year while I was attempting to kill one of my friends.

ME: I actually just got out of a cult. Sorry.
PATRICK: Sorry? Why sorry? That's hot.

I'm surprised this kid wasn't sleeping with Jackson already.

That was when I noticed my phone vibrating.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: Did I see you on the quad earlier?

Dammit, I knew I should have worn bigger sunglasses.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ME: Yeah, I'm back. It's a secret though, okay?

A few seconds later.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM JOEY: I missed you.

Good to know I still have one friend left in town.

But even Joey's unsure about whether or not it was me who shot Jeremy.

And unfortunately I can't clear anything up for awhile.

Joey's Party

2011-01-05T21:47:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: Welcome to our abodee.
HANK: It's pronounced abo-ohd.
ME: Liquor's on the table.
HANK: You should have opened with that.

This is my housewarming party.

Adam and I moved in together a few weeks ago, but we haven't had a chance to get everybody together until now.

Plus, parties with the CBQ's don't usually go over that well.

ADAM: So Davis, how are you liking married life?
DAVIS: Well considering we don't sleep together, it feels exactly like what I thought married life would be.
HANK: Ain't he sweet? He's getting me a wad of cash for our one month anniversary or else I'm letting him die from bad healthcare.
JACKSON: I think my mother said the same thing to my father when they got married.

Okay, so it's not your typical dinner party conversation, but at least nobody had gotten stabbed yet.

BEN: Ouch!
JEREMY: Sorry. The knife just slipped.
ADAM: I've never met someone so accident-prone who doesn't drink.
HANK: Ohhh, he drinks now.

Silence.

It was like we'd all just heard that Santa likes women.

ME: Jeremy, you drink?
JEREMY: Just a little. Here and there.
HANK: And now.
JEREMY: Shut up, Hank.
DAVIS: Are you drunk?
JEREMY: I just had a few--
DAVIS: A few what? Cans of kerosene?

Suddenly everybody was going crazy. It wasn't the first time we've all flipped out over a drunk person, but usually it's not Jeremy.

JEREMY: Guys, I don't feel good.

That was when he threw up on the couch.

BEN: Whoa.

And passed out on the carpet.

ME: Okay, so who's cleaning--

Everybody rushed out. I managed to grab Adam as he ran for the door.

ME: You live here, remember?
ADAM: Okay, but after this, I'm going to need a drink.

I second that.

Jackson's New Leaf

2011-01-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

ME: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
HANK: You quit drinking?
ME: Oh God no, my new life is definitely going to include drinking.

It's also going to feature me developing an entirely new perception with the general public.

I revealed my plan to Hank, Adam, and Joey in the Fish Bowl before classes started.

ME: Since Jeremy graduated, and I'm still here, I don't have to be the bad twin anymore.
JOEY: So you're not going to gossip, lie, and stab people in the back anymore?
ME: Only at home with my family.
ADAM: You want to meet the new kids before you put away your bitch blazer, Jackson.
ME: They're freshman. How bad can they be?

As if on cue, the door to the Fish Bowl opened and three newbies came right on in.

FRESHMAN #1: Oh hey! Are you guys theater majors?
HANK: Why else would we be in the theater lounge?
ME: Hank, be nice. Sorry guys, he can be a little rude sometimes.
FRESHMAN #2: I like it. He's sassy.
FRESHMAN #3: And cute.
ADAM: Um, he's sitting right here. And so am I--am I not cute?
JOEY: Adam!
ADAM: What?

I decided to handle the introductions.

ME: I'm Jackson, and this is--
FRESHMAN #1: I'm Patrick.
FRESHMAN #2: I'm Jonathan.
FRESHMAN #3: I'm Scott.

Wow, they're not as shy as I was expecting.

PATRICK: We're having a party at the dorms tonight if you guys wanna come.
JOEY: Sorry, but tonight Adam and I are cleaning the bathroom at our apartment.
HANK: Thanks. For a second there, I didn't feel so bad about being single.
ADAM: Hey! It's fun! We have snacks afterwards!
ME: I'm in.

The three freshmen turned and looked at me.

JONATHAN: Um, not to be, you know, but, aren't you a little...
ME: A little what?
PATRICK: Old?

WHAT?!?!

SCOTT: We just wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, you know?
ME: No, I don't know and--
PATRICK: Sassy should come though.
JONATHAN: Sassy should def come.
SCOTT: High Def TV.
ADAM: That's not an expression.
PATRICK: We're going to grab some lunch at SW.
JOEY: You mean Subway?
PATRICK, JONATHAN, AND SCOTT: Lates!

They all left cackling.

JOEY: Did they mean later?
HANK: I hate them.
ADAM: Me too.
HANK: What about you, old man?
ADAM: Yeah, how's the new leaf?

I couldn't hear them.

My ears were filled with murderous rage.

Ben at the Theater

2011-01-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

ME: JBC Theater, how can I help you?

The 'B' stands for Ben, the 'C' stands for Carter since it was his money that helped build the place, and the 'J' stands for--

JEREMY: You're here early.

--my frequently absent partner.

When Carter died, he left Jeremy money with the instruction to do good with it. Since I had already put all my money into a theater, we decided the best thing to do would be to combine forces and create a theater company that focuses on gay issues.

Little did I know just how many gay issues I'd be dealing with once Jeremy decided to turn into his brother, Jackson, and become a total spaz.

ME: I'm actually here on time. You're two hours late.
JEREMY: I really need to get a new clock.
ME: Does it give you the time or just the day of the week?
JEREMY: Very funny.
ME: I know you're a blushing bride now, but--
JEREMY: Actually, there was a change of plans.

I decided to skip Jeremy and Davis' sham wedding since even seeing Jeremy fake marry someone was a little too much for me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I still have feelings for him.

So when he said 'change of plans--'

JEREMY: Turns out my insurance wouldn't cover Davis' treatment, so he married Hank instead.
ME: I can't imagine why the straight people think we'd desecrate the sanctity of message.
JEREMY: We're not disrespecting marriage, just the insurance companies.
ME: So you're still single?
JEREMY: Sort of.
ME: Sort of?
JEREMY: I sort of met a guy last night and I sort of like him.
ME: Did you sort of take his clothing off at any point?
JEREMY: We should get some work done.
ME: Works for me.

We're renting out a little black box space with an office that resembles a closet in a converted factory on the west side.

Over the past seven months, we've mounted a few productions, but haven't been able to make a big enough splash on the local scene.

Admittedly it would be a lot easier if there were someone else in the pool with me splashing instead of sitting by the side of the pool sipping--

--Okay, sorry. I got lost in my own metaphor.

Halfway through our work day, I noticed Jeremy staring off into space.

He does this from time to time. The doctors say he might be experience post-traumatic stress disorder from the shooting, but he says he's 'fine.'

Isn't it funny how 'fine' always means 'not fine at all?'

ME: You okay?
JEREMY: I'm fine.

See?

But then--

JEREMY: You know, maybe now that I'm not going to be a housewife, I can put effort into something more productive.

Hallelujah.

ME: You mean like making sure this theater doesn't fall down all around us?
JEREMY: No.

And then--

JEREMY: Like finding out who shot me.

Davis at the Wedding

2011-01-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

ME: Who the hell shows up late for his own wedding?

I'm dying.

HANK: He'll be here.

So to speak.

ME: When he gets here, I'm going to strangle him to death.
HANK: Davis--
ME: AFTER I marry him. I'm going to strangle him to death AFTER I marry him.

Leukemia has made a new man out of me.

For one thing, I feel weak all the time. So to compensate, I've allowed my nasty temper to get nastier.

I'm going to make such a good husband.

ELI: Why did I drive in from New York for this?
HANK: Open bar?
ELI: Ahhh yes. Love.

Hank, Eli, and I were all waiting at the courthouse for my best friend Jeremy to show up so I could marry him and get in on his health benefits.

Gotta love domestic partnership.

Unfortunately, he was running an hour late.

I was about to drive over to his apartment when his car pulled up, and his mother, brother, sister, and some random guy got out.

ME: Who is this?
JEREMY: You mean Paige? Sorry, she insisted on coming.
PAIGE: I made brownies!
ME: I mean random guy?
IVAN: I'm Ivan. I slept with Jeremy last night. Congratulations on getting married.
ME: Couldn't you have waited until we were wed to commit adultery?
JEREMY: You know me, always the impatient one.

Another car pulled up with Adam and Joey.

ME: Great. Everyone's here. Let's get started.
JOAN: Is the bar open yet?
ELI: I second that question?
JACKSON: Just let them say their 'I do's and we can all get smashed.

That was when Jeremy's phone rang.

ME: If that's Katie, tell her I already booked Gaga for the reception. Next time she'll learn to call back faster.

Except Jeremy looked panic-stricken.

ME: What's wrong? I haven't seen that look on your face since you got--
JEREMY: You won't be covered.
ME: What?
JEREMY: Under my insurance. You won't be covered. I had a lawyer working overtime to check, but--
JOAN: That was my wedding present. He'll also be able to do the divorce if you need him to.
JEREMY: --Because you're doing experimental trials, you're not covered even if we were to get married.
VOICE: Mine would.

Everybody turned and looked at Hank.

HANK: I just upped my coverage. It includes pretty much everything--even experimental stuff.
ME: Why did you do that?
HANK: Because of Davis. You never know, right?

Jeremy and I looked at each other, and then at Hank.

That was when I got down on one knee.

ME: Hank, will you marry me?

Part of me was hoping he'd say 'No.'

Jeremy's Morning After

2011-01-01T14:05:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

VOICE: I think you're wearing my underwear.

This is not the first thing you expect to hear when you wake up in the morning.

I opened my eyes and saw a total stranger--albeit, a very handsome stranger--laying in bed next to me.

Clearly, New Year's Eve was a success.

JEREMY: Uh, do I...know you?
RANDOM GUY: Define 'know.'
JEREMY: How many sentences have we spoken to each other?
RANDOM GUY: Does 'they're in the drawer' count as a sentence?
JEREMY: Ohhh this is bad.

I'd have to get my calendar, but I'm pretty sure 2011 is titled The Year of Bad Decisions.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Oh damn.
JACKSON'S VOICE: We're already running late and I still need to stop somewhere and get a third of a bagel for breakfast!
PAIGE'S VOICE: And a gift!
JACKSON'S VOICE: Are you telling me you didn't buy the gift for the wedding yet?
PAIGE'S VOICE: We have time!
JACKSON'S VOICE: The wedding is in an hour!
PAIGE'S VOICE: So we won't wrap it!

I wonder if they remember that the point was to wake me up.

RANDOM GUY: Who are they?
ME: My siblings. Could you hide in the closet please?
RANDOM GUY: Excuse me?
ME: I'm a very private person. I'm not comfortable with them knowing there's a naked boy in my room.
RANDOM GUY: That's funny. You're the first private person I've met who doesn't wear underwear.
ME: I'm wearing--oh right, it's yours.
RANDOM GUY: What's that scar near your belly button? It's hot.

JACKSON: Somebody call an ambulance! He's been shot!

ME: Fishing accident.

After I threw some clothes on and threw the boy in the closet, I went into the kitchen where my family was assembled around the table.

JACKSON: Well if it isn't the little slut.
ME: Who ratted me out?
JOAN: Your bedroom is next to mine, remember dear?
ME: Thanks Mom.
JOAN: You really should get therapy, or get therapy for whomever you brought home last night.
ME: It was New Year's Eve. I got a little...enthusiastic.
PAIGE: Mom says you got enthusiastic three times.
ME: MOM!
JACKSON: This whole family dynamic is very unhealthy.
PAIGE: Luckily, I'm not a part of the family anymore.
JOAN: Oh Paige, please don't make things awkward by speaking the truth.

We found out last year that Paige was adopted. Last year was also the year I started a theater company, found out my best friend has leukemia, and was shot.

Needless to say, the past seven months have involved a lot of recuperation.

JEREMY: Here's hoping this year is free of any drama.
JOAN: I'll drink to that!
JACKSON: Mom, it's eleven in the morning.
JOAN: And that's why we get married in the afternoon. Remember that, children.

Knock, knock.

JEREMY: Is that the limo?
JACKSON: Why? Do you want to have sex in there too?
JEREMY: Shut up, Jackson!

It wasn't the limo. It was--

ADAM and JOEY: You had sex last night.
ME: PAIGE!
PAIGE: I meant to send that text to...myself.

Joey was supposed to move to New York and take Adam with him, but then he had a change of heart when the two of them started dating and now they're moving in together.

JOEY: Shouldn't you be ready to go?
ME: I just need to do something to my hair.
ADAM: I would shave it all off and start from scratch.
JOEY: Do you smell smoke?

I ran into my bedroom and saw smoke coming out of my closet. When I opened the door, Hookup Guy was sitting on my hamper with a cigarette.

RANDOM GUY: Does it bother you that I smoke?
ME: In my closet? Yes.
RANDOM GUY: What's your name by the way? You told me it was Voltaire, but that seems a little too plain for you.
ME: Jeremy. My name is Jeremy.
RANDOM GUY: Hi, my name is Jeremy.
ME: You're Jeremy too?
RANDOM GUY: No, I was just--never mind. I'm Ivan.
ME: Nice to meet you. Now if you could just hang in here until we all leave for the wedding, and then let yourself out, that would be great. I'm assuming you're not going to steal anything, but if you do, then steal it from my brother's room.
IVAN: Who's getting married?
ME: I am.

And I closed the closet door.

That was when the smoke detector went off.

I ran back into the kitchen to find Joey, Adam, and Paige fanning smoke away from the stovetop, which was on fire.

JOAN: I tried to make your brother a bagel.
ME: Tell me you didn't just throw a bagel on the burner.
JOAN: Nooo--I put it on a paper plate first.

Just as the smoke was clearing, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to see Jackson with his arm around Ivan.

JACKSON: Everyone! Your attention please! This is Ivan. He was sitting in Jeremy's bedroom closet with no clothes on so I told him to come out and introduce himself.
PAIGE: Ooohhh, he's cute.
JOEY: Adam, stop staring at his--
ADAM: What else is there to stare at?
JACKSON: Apparently, I am not the slut of the family anymore.
ADAM: No, that's still Paige.
PAIGE: Hey! (It's true.)

And that was when I knew I was going to be late for my own wedding.

Cranberry Bogs

2010-04-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

JOEY: We need to talk.

I just got broken up with…

JOEY: I think we should break up.

…On Pride Day.

I spent the night at Joey’s apartment, only to be woken up by him in a not-so-unpleasant way.

ME: Oh my…

But then—

JOEY: I think we should break up.

It was confusing.

ME: But…we just…you know…
JOEY: I know. I thought you’d appreciate that.
ME: I hate you.
JOEY: I’m sorry.
ME: Don’t leave me.
JOEY: It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: I wasn’t talking about it being the best for both of us.

Knock, Knock.

VOICE: Joey, you ready?

Wait…

ME: Who’s that?
JOEY: Um, that’s…Brian.
ME: Who’s Brian?

Brian decided to walk right in.

BRIAN: You ready? My friend Cranberry Bogs is performing at the festival in an hour.
JOEY: Drag queen?
BRIAN: From Phoenix.
ME: Excuse me! Is this actually happening?
JOEY: I’m sorry, Adam. I just can’t be tied down right now.

Then he looked at Brian.

JOEY: Unless I’m drunk or something. Hahaha…Sorry, Adam. It’s for the best.
ME: No, it’s really not.
JOEY: Again, in terms of me.

That’s how I knew it was going to be the worst Pride ever.

PAIGE: I’m done with him.

I went to see Paige so she could console me.

Buzz. Paige's phone went off.

ME: It’s him, isn’t it?
PAIGE: I’m telling him to leave me alone.
ME: You’re making a coffee date, aren’t you?
PAIGE: It’ll be harsher if I tell him off over coffee…and maybe a muffin.

This is my support system.

JEREMY: Paige, hurry up. We have to be at the tent by noon or we’ll miss Cranberry Bogs.
ME: You like Cranberry Bogs too?
JEREMY: She juggles Cher dolls. It sounds easy, but it’s a real art.
PAIGE: Jeremy, darling brother, do you think Billy will be at Pride?
JEREMY: I don’t know, Paige. Why don’t you call him and ask him?
PAIGE: Because I want you to call him.
JEREMY: Paige, he’s engaged.
ME: Do you—
JEREMY: Yes, I’m aware that rhymes.

Ever since Billy’s botched wedding, Paige has been trying to get him and Jeremy to reconcile.

PAIGE: He’s going to be leaving for Vegas next week to elope.
JEREMY: I’m not sure it’s eloping if everybody knows you’re doing it.
PAIGE: Forget semantics. You have to stop him!
JEREMY: It’s his life.
PAIGE: He’s your soulmate!
JEREMY: He slept with my brother!
JACKSON: Did I hear my name?

Jackson was still in a bathrobe. Something was telling me that we would be missing Cranberry Bogs and her Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.

PAIGE: If it weren’t for you, our brother would be happy.
JACKSON: If it weren’t for you, I’d still be able to fit into my skinny jeans. Your snacks put five pounds on me.
PAIGE: Jackson, tell Jeremy that he belongs with Billy.
JACKSON: Jeremy, you belong with Davis.
PAIGE: What?!?
JACKSON: He does. They’re soulmates. Just like Mom and martinis.
JOAN: Did I hear my name?

This bathroom was getting really crowded.

PAIGE: Hello Non-Biological Mother.
JOAN: Paige, if you don’t want to treat me like your mother, then I suggest you stop ignoring me, because otherwise it’s the same old song and dance. Hello Adam, don’t you look red in the face. Were you out running?
ME: I was having my heart stomped on and eaten by wolves.
JOAN: Break-ups are supposed to make you weep, sweetheart, not sweat. How in the world are you going to attract a rebound looking like you just hopped off the treadmill?
PAIGE: Joan!
JEREMY: Mom, enough.
PAIGE: I mean, look at Jackson. He and Ben broke up and he’s not all—-
JEREMY: You and Ben broke up?
JOAN: Yes, and I think—
JACKSON: It just wasn’t working out.
JOAN: I think—-
JEREMY: But you seemed so—-
JOAN: Jeremy, I think you should date Ben.

Silence.

JOAN: Not because he’s your soulmate, but just because you both are the same size and you could swap sweaters. Think how much fun that would be in the winter! Okay, time to raid the cupboards for the cooking sherry.

It figures. Jeremy has three potential boyfriends and I have nobody. And he doesn’t even manscape properly.

Ding Dong.

JEREMY: It’s probably the boys.
JACKSON: It could be Davis.
ME: It could be a murderer. Tell him I’m in here waiting.
JOAN’s VOICE: Jeremy! It’s Billy!
PAIGE: Yay!
JEREMY: Shut up, Paige! And take that dumb t-shirt off.
PAIGE: But it says Team Billy!
JACKSON: I used my Team Davis shirt to wipe—-
JEREMY: STOP! Just stop! Thank you.

Jeremy walked out of the bathroom.

ME: We’re eavesdropping, aren’t we?
PAIGE: Are you kidding? We even have baby monitors.

Jackson, Paige, and I hid in the bathroom while Jeremy talked with Billy in the living room.

JEREMY: So how was the wedding?
BILLY: It was…nice. You know, until Davis threw up on me and it rained.
JEREMY: I wonder if the karma was the vomit or the precipitation.
BILLY: Look, I knew you wouldn’t be happy—-
JEREMY: That old E.S.P. kicking in again?
BILLY: Kurt is a nice guy, and you and I—-Jeremy, it just…never seems to work out. It’s like we’re on some sort of horrible, campy soap opera blog written by some bitchy gay guy.
JEREMY: I resent that.
BILLY: Why?
JEREMY: I don’t know. I just do.

Paige started to cry.

PAIGE: Why can’t they just make it work?
ME: Shut up, you dumb bitch. Your brother’s in crisis!
JACKSON: I’m telling you. He belongs with Davis.
ME, PAIGE: Ssshhh!

There was more talking, and then—-

BILLY: I’m not entirely sure I’m not in love with you anymore.

Whoa.

JEREMY: Thanks. That’s the vaguest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
BILLY: If you think this can happen, then…I’m willing to try again. I’ll tell Kurt-—
JEREMY: Tell Kurt to pack light for Vegas. It’s a honeymoon after all.
PAIGE: No!
BILLY: Jeremy—-
JEREMY: You have no idea who you are, Billy. You belong with someone like Kurt. Some bland guy who can adore you and never challenge you or your bullshit in any way whasoever. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life constantly changing who I am every time you figure out you’re someone else. Go get married. Go to Vegas. Go to Paris. I don’t care. Just pick a path, run down it, and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see you at the end of it.

Then there was the sound of a door opening and—

JEREMY: By the way, I still love you too.

--Closing.

PAIGE: He's going to need snacks.
JACKSON: Bullshit. It's time to party.

The festival was a snoozefest, but at least it gave me enough time to get significantly drunk before it was time to hit the clubs.

RITCHIE: Did you see Nathan and the crazy cult kids protesting outside Slice? Davis is going to have a hell of a time getting them to clear out.
ELI: That Valerie Westgate girl is creepy.
BEN: I heard she ate the Chair of the Theater Department at RIC.
JACKSON: No, just one of the choreographers.
JEREMY: Same thing.

Jeremy and Jackson pulled me aside while Paige was at the Thespian/Lesbian tent.

JEREMY: Adam, did Paige tell you about her…situation?
ME: Yeah, yeah, she’s not your sister.
JACKSON: It’s more complicated than that.
JEREMY: She has a brother. A real brother.
ME: Wow. Does she know who it is?
JEREMY: Well, that’s the thing…it’s someone she knows.
JACKSON: It’s one of the boys in the group.
ME: Oh my God!
JEREMY: But she can’t know about that until we find out who it is.
JACKSON: Joan refuses to tell us, and we don’t want her breaking the news to Paige.
JEREMY: The last time she gave Paige bad news it was ‘Honey, there’s no Santa, now pass me that snifter.’
JACKSON: We’re only telling you because if she goes digging for something—-
ME: I’ll try to keep her distracted.
JEREMY: Thank you.

Jackson went to grab another drink, but Ritchie came over to talk to Jeremy.

RITCHIE: So Jeremy, I heard you've come into some money.
JEREMY: Ritchie, please--
ME: What are you guys talking about?
JEREMY: Carter's family won a settlement against Ritchie because of the club explosion.
RITCHIE: They won it against my insurance company, but I think I'm entitled to that money.
JEREMY: How do you figure?
RITCHIE: Because there was nothing wrong with my club. Somebody caused that explosion.
JEREMY: I know you think that Ritchie, but--
RITCHIE: Jeremy, that money could help me rebuild. I could open a brand new club.
ME: One that won't almost kill everyone?
RITCHIE: Zip it, Tiny.
JEREMY: I'm sorry, Ritchie, but Carter's family wants the money to go towards Youth Pride.
RITCHIE: But he left it to you. You're in charge of it--
JEREMY: And I'm going to do the right thing.

He walked away leaving Ritchie looking quite upset.

RITCHIE: He'll change his mind.
ME: I doubt it.
RITCHIE: After everything that's happened this year, you still underestimate me, Adam.

Nathan was walking up and down the sidewalk outside Slice with the Heterosexual Christian Liberation Group.

NATHAN: Down with sin! Down with vice!
HANK: See what happens when they date Ben?
BEN: Hey!
JACKSON: He dated me too, and it’s true what they say. Christians give really good—
JEREMY: Let’s go dance!

I hung back because I wanted a drink from the bar outside. That was when I overheard Nathan talking to that girl Valerie.

VALERIE: You know what you have to do, don’t you, Nathan?
NATHAN: Yes, Valerie.
VALERIE: You’re so tender. Like a crispy chicken nugget.
NATHAN: I’m allergic to those.
VALERIE: Awww, that’s the Devil talking.

All right, enough of that.

Inside, Slice was packed. I ended up dancing with Eli.

ME: So what are you plans for next year?
ELI: I’m moving to New York.
ME: Really? In the fall?
ELI: Try two weeks. I’m done with Providence—again.
ME: Maybe this time it’ll stick.
ELI: Do you want to come with me?
ME: Huh?
ELI: I got a two-bedroom apartment. I need a roommate.
ME: But I’m in school.
ELI: Adam, what is school going to teach you? You need life experience. New York is the best place for you.

Hmm…it’s not like I have that many reasons for sticking around here.

ME: Let me think about it.
ELI: Think all you want. That’s the last thing I’m going to be doing tonight.

Eli went off to find another dancing partner, and I went looking for Jeremy. I felt like going home, and he had my keys since I left my car in front of his apartment.

I didn’t find him, but I did find Ritchie talking to the backstabber.

JOEY: Look, I know what we have to do, okay?

They didn’t see me, so I hung back for a second.

RITCHIE: Just make sure you do it and take off.
JOEY: Why can’t you do it?
RITCHIE: Look, I’m not—

That was when someone shoved me and I fell right into Ritchie.

RITCHIE: Adam, what are you—

I had to create a distraction so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping.

So I slapped him.

RITCHIE: Ow!
ME: You son-of-a-bitch. Standing here with my ex-boyfriend!
JOEY: Adam, we were just talking. I’m here with Brian!
ME: And to think I missed Cranberry Bogs for you!

I got out of there before they could ask me what that means.

Jeremy ended up being in Davis’ office. I hung outside the door and waited for him to come out.

It sounded like they were arguing.

JEREMY: You need to lay low.
DAVIS: You need to stop worrying so much.
JEREMY: I still don't understand how you randomly decided to turn into an asshole these past few--
DAVIS: Jeremy, I have leukemia.

. . . . .

JEREMY: What?
DAVIS: It's aggressive too. I guess the diagnosis fits the patient.
JEREMY: Are you--
DAVIS: In treatment. Yup, but they still think I'm not going to have much time left unless I can find a bone marrow donor.
JEREMY: So all this was just you pushing people away?
DAVIS: Except you. I never pushed you away.

I poked my head through the office window. Davis was on one knee.

DAVIS: Will you marry me?
JEREMY: Davis, don't be insane.
DAVIS: I'm dying.
JEREMY: You're not dead yet.
DAVIS: I want to be with you for as long as I'm still here.
JEREMY: That may not be that much longer unless we get you out of here. There's this really bad feeling in the air. You should go.

Davis stood up.

DAVIS: Fine. I get it. You're still in love with Billy.
JEREMY: Davis, there are crazy religious people outside and everybody inside—
DAVIS: --Loves me! Now that the Wilde Blog says I’m King again.
JEREMY: Didn’t you read today’s post?
DAVIS: No.
JEREMY: There was a retraction.
DAVIS: What? They retracted their retraction?
JEREMY: And it said you have athlete’s foot.
DAVIS: I’m going to kill Ritchie.
JEREMY: Why?
DAVIS: Because Ritchie writes for the Wilde Blog!
JEREMY: What?!

WHAT?!

I had to find Paige and tell her that her colleague’s identity was revealed.

HANK: Where are you running off to, Mini-Gay?
ME: I just found out juicy gossip.
HANK: God, you’re such a queen.
ME: Does that mean you don’t want to hear it?
HANK: I said you were a queen. I didn’t say you’re not a good listener. Relay the information, Kitten. I’m all ears.
ME: Ritchie writes the Wilde Blog and Davis just proposed to Jeremy.
HANK: Are you kidding me?
ME: No.

Hank looked like he was about to cry.

ME: What's wrong?
HANK: Oh nothing. I'm just in love with Davis.

He walked away, but before I could follow him, Ritchie came flying into me.

We both landed on the floor, and when I stood up--

JEREMY: You pathetic--

There was Jeremy.

RITCHIE: Is this because of Carter's money?
JEREMY: This is because of the blog, Wilde.
RITCHIE: Oh boy.
JEREMY: You can forget the money--and our friendship. It's over, Ritchie.

Ritchie dusted himself off, and grabbed Jeremy's arm.

RITCHIE: If that's the case, then prepare for war.
VOICE: Hey!

Ben came pushing through the crowd.

BEN: Let him go.
RITCHIE: Fine by me.

Ritchie walked away, but Jeremy was still on a rampage.

JEREMY: I don't need you to save me, Ben.
BEN: I was looking for you anyway.
JEREMY: Are you going to propose too?
BEN: Huh?
JEREMY: Never mind.
BEN: I want to show you something.

He handed him a postcard.

JEREMY: What's this?
BEN: Your new theater.
JEREMY: My what?
BEN: Well, OUR new theater. It used to be a pizza place--my family owned it. Now it's mine--and yours.
JEREMY: Ben--
BEN: I want to show you I'm different. I want to show you that I can--

That’s when the lights went down, and the stage at Slice lit up.

JEREMY: Oh no.
BEN: What’s going on?
JEREMY: Davis is making himself a human target.
ME: Huh?
JEREMY: I've got to see if I can stop this.

He disappeared into the crowd.

A minute later, Davis took the stage to a chorus of “Boo”s.

DAVIS: I know you’ve all heard some rumors about me. I just want you to know that I know some rumors too. I know rumors about almost everybody in this room. So why don’t we all—
VOICE: HE’S GOT A GUN!

I heard a shot ring out, and somebody yelled—

VOICE: DAVIS!

Then, I saw a body fly in front of Davis as a bullet came piercing through the crowd.

People went running everywhere. I saw Paige out of the corner of my eye heading for the stage, and I went after her.

When I got there, I saw who’d been hit.

ME: Jeremy?

Davis was holding him, and there was blood everywhere.

DAVIS: Somebody call an ambulance!

Paige turned to me.

PAIGE: Adam, I need your phone.

Jackson came running up onstage.

JACKSON: Is he breathing?
DAVIS: I can’t feel a pulse.
VOICE: JEREMY!

There was Billy—standing in front of the stage.

BILLY: I came back.
DAVIS: Billy, get help!
BILLY: I came back—I couldn’t do it—
DAVIS: Will somebody do something?

I saw Ben rush up onstage, and kneel down in front of Jeremy. He started giving him CPR.

BEN: One…two…
DAVIS: You don’t know what you’re doing.
BEN: SHUT UP, DAVIS! WHOEVER SHOT HIM WAS AIMING FOR YOU!
DAVIS: How do you know that?
BEN: He took a bullet for you!
BILLY: Where’s the ambulance?
JACKSON: Jeremy, wake up. Come on, Jeremy—
PAIGE: Adam, your phone! I need your phone!
ME: I saw.

Everyone turned and looked at me.

ME: I saw who shot him.

To Be Continued…

Security

2010-04-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: I'm begging you not to go to this.

I fear for Davis' life.

Jeremy and I went to Slice to try and convince him not to go to Pride.

Obviously, he wasn't thrilled with this idea.

DAVIS: I've been going to Pride since I was fifteen.
JEREMY: Davis, you might not make it to thirty if you go this year.
DAVIS: I had no intention of ever acknowledging thirty anyway.
ME: We're serious. A lot of people are angry with you right now.
JEREMY: Plus Nathan and the Crazy Christian Sexual Liberation Unit from RIC have been protesting Pride all week.
DAVIS: Good. I just love bad publicity.

He started to head down to the dance floor. Nowadays, as his security adviser, I don't even like him going into the club anymore.

It's just too risky.

ME: Davis, I'm putting my foot down. If I'm your security guy, then you have to let me do my job. You cannot go to Pride. I won't be able to keep a good enough eye on you.

Davis smiled, and put his hand on my arm.

DAVIS: Well, when you put it to me that way--you're fired.

And he walked away.

JEREMY: Hank, he doesn't know--
ME: You heard what he said, Jeremy.

He's on his own.

The Man Behind the Curtain

2010-04-09T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

DAVIS: Hello Wilde.

Uh oh.

DAVIS: --Or should I call you Wilde Jr.?

I knew I was in trouble when I showed up at my apartment, and the door was wide open.

Davis must have found my spare key.

DAVIS: I didn't find your spare key.
ME: Okay, that's creepy.
DAVIS: Joey let me in.
ME: Since when are you two friends again?
DAVIS: I wouldn't say 'friends'--

He was standing in my room with my laptop open on my desk.

And there I was, logged into the Wilde Blog as an administrator.

DAVIS: So you've been the one promoting me as the Most Hated Guy in Providence.
ME: You haven't exactly been helping your case. Closing Prisms, ruining Billy's wedding--
DAVIS: Maybe next time he'll invite me.
ME: By the way, you owe me for the hospital bill. My eye was swollen for two days.
DAVIS: Was that why the blog didn't get updated?

Davis must not know that Paige was the other blogger. She said Jeremy and Jackson found her out, but she's been keeping my identity a secret so that she could still filter stories through me until she could figure out what to do about her brothers.

So I was going to have to deal with Davis on my own.

ME: All right, Davis, what do you want to keep your mouth shut?
DAVIS: A retraction.
ME: Are you kidding? You can't expect me to try and build you back up again after everything you've done.
DAVIS: Oh, but you will, Ritchie. If you don't, I expose you as the guy behind Wilde, and that spotlight will jump right off me and onto you.

This was a disaster.

ME: What do you want me to say?
DAVIS: Say whatever you want, just make sure it's said with a smile. Oh, and I want at least one negative story posted about you a week.
ME: You want me to post negative stories about MYSELF?
DAVIS: Let's hope your own medicine tastes better than other parts of you do. Ta ta, Kit Kat.

He walked past me and out of the apartment.

Well, it looks like I have to resurrect Davis' reputation.

Impossible.

...But you know...

People are always sympathetic to those who've suffered a great tragedy...

A Blushing Groom

2010-04-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

RITCHIE: Are you ready to go?

I'm about to get married.

ME: I wish Carter could be here.
RITCHIE: I'm sure he's here in spirit.
HANK: And it's a Saturday. So his spirit is probably pre-gaming.

Kurt and I had taken advantage of the nice weather to have an outdoor commitment ceremony. Ritchie had agreed to walk me down the aisle.

Jeremy opted not to come--not a big surprise there.

ME: Guys, am I doing the right thing?
RITCHIE/HANK: Yes./No.
RITCHIE: Hank!

Hank grabbed me.

HANK: You still love Jeremy.
ME: I don't.
HANK: You do.
ME: I don't.
RITCHIE: He doesn't. Let it go, Hank.
HANK: Think about this.

Knock, knock.

Joey poked his head into the room.

JOEY: How's the blushing groom?
RITCHIE: He's ready to walk. Let's move.

Before I knew it, Ritchie was pushing me out the door, and down the aisle.

Kurt looked so handsome in his tuxedo.

The ceremony was going so well, until--

OFFICIAL: If anyone here objects to this man and this--
VOICE: RIGHT HERE!

Everyone turned around, and there was Davis.

Drunk and stumbling up the aisle.

KURT: You didn't invite him, did you?
ME: That would be a negative.

He was laughing and holding a half-empty bottle of vodka in his hand.

DAVIS: How come nobody told me that we were having a party?

Ritchie stood up and tried to say something to him, but Davis clocked him across the face. There was a gasp from the crowd.

DAVIS: This man--

He pointed at me.

DAVIS: Does not love this man.

He point at Kurt.

DAVIS: And letting them get married would be a disgrace to the sanctity of wedded union.

I took off my lapel, handed it to Kurt, and walked down the aisle to Davis.

ME: I'm going to kill you for this.
DAVIS: You're going to thank me later.

That was when he threw up on my tuxedo.

And then I heard the thunder...

The Convert

2010-04-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Nathan.

DAVIS: Well, if it isn't the boy from state school.

This is my girlfriend.

HAYLEY: Remember, honey, be strong.

We're here to shut down Slice.

ME: Davis, you are perpetuating a sinful lifestyle.
DAVIS: Yeah, what else is new?
JEREMY: Nathan, what's going on with you?
ME: Jeremy, I've made a huge change in my life.
HAYLEY: Nathan has decided to turn his eyes away from the harsh light of moral degradation.
HANK: So he won't be going to karaoke Tuesdays at Fox's anymore?
ME: My new friends at RIC have taught me that heterosexual love is the only love that can be appreciated by God.
JEREMY: Oh my God, did they convert you?

Valerie Westgate warned me that they would use terms like this.

She said--

VALERIE WESTGATE: You have felt the true love now, Nathan. Embrace it. Let go of those who would pull you down into their nets of deceit.

It was after the musical one night. I found myself down in a basement where I was given alcohol and strange tablets and suddenly a light dawned on me--

HANK: Bitch is crazy.
ME: I was hoping maybe some of you would join me in my quest to Christ.
DAVIS: I'd rather wait in line at a Starbucks.

I smiled at Davis, for soon he will fall.

ME: You are the King of these Sinners, Davis. You must be brought down.
DAVIS: Spoken like a true cult nut.
ME: You'll be meeting your judge soon. Let's go, Hayley.

Some people you just can't change.

Mutual Assured Destruction

2010-04-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Joey.

ME: I want you to change your book.

I've been exposed.

DAVIS: Joey, I'm not sure you understand how books work.

Then again, so has everyone else in town.

I went to Davis' apartment to beg him to change the embarrassing parts of the book--at least the ones that involve me having threeways and being a slut.

DAVIS: So you want me to lie?
ME: Davis, all that stuff was private!
DAVIS: That's why it's on the bestseller list, Joey.
ME: Print a retraction!
DAVIS: It's a book! Not a blog!

I flipped over his coffee table.

It's the most violent thing I've ever done.

ME: Davis, if you don't fix this, I'll--
DAVIS: You'll what? Set my club on fire?

. . . . .

DAVIS: Hank saw you going into the boiler room before Ritchie's club exploded.
ME: He, uh...
DAVIS: See? I left out the best part of the book. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you.
ME: We meant so much to each other.
DAVIS: And now you're bopping a dwarf. Sorry if I don't feel there's any loyalty there.
ME: You can't say anything.
DAVIS: Consider it mutual assured destruction. My book stays the way it is printing after printing, and you're not exposed as being a murderer.
ME: A--
DAVIS: Carter, remember? That would be on you.

I didn't know what to say, so I turned around and walked out.

But in my head, I knew what I had to do.

Davis has to go.

Brothers and Sisters

2010-04-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Jackson.

JOAN: I was going to tell you.

We're having a family meeting.

PAIGE: When? On your deathbed?
ME: Don't be ridiculous, Paige. She's not mortal.
JOAN: I'm having just as hard a time with this as you all are.
JEREMY: I severely doubt that, Mom. We were blind-sided.
JOAN: I knew you wouldn't take it well.

Paige started to cry--again.

PAIGE: Do you know who my family is?

Jeremy grabbed Paige.

JEREMY: WE are your family. So what if we're not blood? Jackson and I are identical twins, and we were like strangers until last year.
ME: Way to open up that old wound, Jeremy.
JEREMY: Paige, we are your brothers, and we love you.
PAIGE: But I need to know where I came from!
JOAN: You came from an adoption agency. There, that was easy.

She finished off her Death on the Gulf Stream.

JEREMY: I need ice cream.
PAIGE: I'll drive. Maybe I'll see a nice tree I can crash into.

She went into her room to get her coat. Joan pulled Jeremy and I close to her.

JOAN: I may have lied.
ME: May have?
JOAN: About not knowing who Paige's family is--
JEREMY: So tell her.
JOAN: I can't.
ME: Why not?
JOAN: Because she already knows one of them. So do you?
JEREMY: What are you talking about?
JOAN: Paige has a brother. A biological brother. And he's one of your friends.

Oh great.

Paige is related to another CBQ.

A Bond That's Hard to Break

2010-04-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Ben.

JEREMY: Hey, what's up?

I have something for Jeremy.

ME: I wanted to give you your graduation present.
JEREMY: Oh, I thought maybe you were here to see Jackson.
ME: No, he's meeting me at the mall in a little while.
JEREMY: Well, come in. I never say 'No' to a gift.

I sat down on the couch in the living room.

Once Jeremy was next to me, I took out the card.

JEREMY: Please tell me it's not ten bucks and a 'Go get 'em kid.'
ME: Not exactly.

His mouth dropped when he saw the tickets.

JEREMY: Ben, these tickets are impossible to get. This is the hottest show on Broadway right now.
ME: I'm aware.
JEREMY: These must have been a fortune.
ME: Just a small one.
JEREMY: Why would you--

I kissed him. I leaned over and kissed him.

He pulled back right away, and stood up.

JEREMY: This isn't happening.
ME: Why not?
JEREMY: Um, Jackson?
ME: You mean the guy who slept with your ex-boyfriend?
JEREMY: I mean, my brother.
ME: I thought I could date him and it would...
JEREMY: I don't need to be hearing this.
ME: I love you.

Oh God...

I just said that.

Out loud.

JEREMY: You need to leave now.
ME: I've changed, okay? I've changed, and I've changed because of you. I can be a good person, but I can't be a good person if I can't be with you.
JEREMY: That--really can't be my problem, Ben. I'm sorry, but--
ME: Do you hate me?
JEREMY: OF COURSE I DON'T HATE YOU!
ME: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
JEREMY: I DON'T KNOW!

The door opened.

PAIGE: Um, hi guys.

Cue sister to heighten awkward moment.

PAIGE: I...uh...
JEREMY: Is something wrong?
PAIGE: Do you remember when Jackson was in the hospital and they thought he was going to lose his kidney?
JEREMY: Yeah.
PAIGE: I was going to give him mine.
JEREMY: You didn't tell me that.
PAIGE: I was tested, but...he didn't need it, so--
ME: So great. Jeremy and I were talking and--
PAIGE: I wasn't a match.
ME: Okay. Well, that's not abnormal.
PAIGE: No, you don't understand. I wasn't a match. They did some testing, and...

Jeremy looked like he'd just been slapped across the face.

But Paige looked worse.

PAIGE: Jackson's not my brother.

Jeremy grabbed my arm. I put it around his waist. He was shaking.

PAIGE: Jeremy, that means I'm not your sister.

That was when he straight up passed out.

The Author

2010-04-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Davis.

BOOK BUYER: It's such a thrill to meet you.

If you ever told me that one day I'd be spending a Friday night in a Barnes and Noble, I would have told you were--

ME: How would you like me to sign this?

--maybe not so crazy.

After shutting down Prisms, a publishing company in Boston asked me to write my advice for young, gay businessmen.

I thought it was a fantastic idea.

Unfortunately, for most of the gays in Providence, it turned into more of a memoir.

ELI: Hello Davis.

And not everybody is thrilled about that.

ME: Oh Eli, did you actually buy one of my books? I would have given you a really good discount on that.
ELI: I already read the parts I'm interested in--the parts involving me.
ME: Even the parts about you where I used big words?
ELI: You put my business out there for everyone to read.
ME: And it's a bestseller, motherf**ker. Now do you want me to sign your copy or not?

He flipped the table I was sitting at over, sending books flying everywhere.

ELI: What you've done can't be undone. Maybe something like that needs to happen to you.

He walked away, and I wondered...

Was that a threat?

Graduation

2010-04-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Jeremy.

JACKSON: I can't believe you're leaving me in this school for another year.
ME: Maybe if somebody hadn't taken a year off to bed every bartender in Europe, they'd be graduating too.
JACKSON: I'd say it was worth it, but I'll just wait until you're depressed and show you the photo album.

I'm about to graduate college.

The family was gathered on the baseball field near the quad. Joan was being her normal, reserved self.

JOAN: My baby! My baby! My little baby!
JACKSON: Great. She's launching into 'Sophie's Choice.'
JOAN: My favorite son!
JACKSON: Yup, there it is.

Paige wasn't speaking to me.

ME: I guess I'm not going to get a 'Congratulations.'
PAIGE: When you give me the new password to the Wilde Blog, you will.
ME: Guess that's a 'No' then.

When Jackson and I found out that our sister was the new Wilde, we immediately forced her to give us the password. We changed it, then waited for the blog to die, but someone was still updating it.

JACKSON: Why don't you just tell us who your co-conspirator is?
ME: It can't be Adam. The blog was updated when he was out with us the other night.
PAIGE: I'll never tell.
JACKSON: Please, you talk shit in your sleep. We'll get it out of you.
VOICE: Hey!

I turned around to see Ritchie running towards me holding a book.

ME: Ritchie, you didn't actually buy one of those over-priced yearbooks, did you?
RITCHIE: No, I bought something a LOT better.

He handed me the book.

ME: 'Gossip and the Gays: A Life in Providence?'
RITCHIE: Did you know Davis was writing this?
ME: Davis WROTE something?
RITCHIE: It's dedicated to you.
ME: Aww, that's so--
RITCHIE: It's filled with everything that's happened over the past two years.
ME: That's impossible. Davis is incredibly private.
VOICE: Not when there's six figures on the table.

Davis had me in a hug, before I could even turn around to look at him.

ME: Davis, you didn't.
DAVIS: They're already talking about an HBO series.
JACKSON: Am I in that?
DAVIS: Don't worry. I changed your name.

Jackson grabbed the book from me and flipped through it.

JACKSON: You changed my name to 'Jason?' Everyone's going to know that's me!
DAVIS: Only the people who buy the book. That's the point.

Jackson stormed off.

RITCHIE: Davis, I hope you know that between this and closing down Prisms, you're now the most hated guy in Providence.
ME: Ritchie, don't exaggerate.
RITCHIE: Oh, I'm not. Check the Wilde Blog.

Ritchie started walking towards the quad.

ME: Davis, I think maybe you've gone--
DAVIS: Too far? Please, when do I not?

He gave me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek.

DAVIS: I'm proud of you.

Love him or hate him, he's still my best friend.

Hopefully that target on him isn't too big...

A Good Read

2010-04-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Adam.

ME: Paige, we're going to be late.
PAIGE: Fashionably late.
ME: It's not fashionable if you show up AFTER the party is over.
PAIGE: I just have to finish updating the blog.

Paige was putting all the dirt about Davis shutting down Prisms on the Wilde Blog.

ME: This blog has taken over your life.
PAIGE: How can you say that?
ME: You're right. This blog has taken over your life--you dumb bitch.
PAIGE: I'm writing the hottest piece of literature in Providence--not counting what's written on the bathroom wall in Grizzly's.
ME: Are you done?
PAIGE: Finished. Let's head out.

We were going to Prisms to celebrate its last night in existence.

After getting all the way to the car, Paige remembered that she left her ID back in her room.

So we had to go all the way back to the apartment, and when we got there.

JEREMY: Hello little sister.
JACKSON: Did you forget something?

There was the computer--with Paige still logged onto the Wilde blog.

PAIGE: Uh...does anybody want me to make hot chocolate?
JACKSON: You know you're f**ked, right?
PAIGE: Ohhh, I'm aware.

Looks like Paige's career as an author has just been cut short.

The Dotted Line

2010-03-30T17:25:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Hank.

ME: Are you nervous?
DAVIS: I don't get nervous. I'm Davis.

We're sitting in Davis' lawyer's office. The owner of Prisms is seated across the table.

MICK: I can't believe you're doing this to me, Davis.
DAVIS: It's just business, Mick.
MICK: After all these years--
DAVIS: Slice is a classy establishment. It brings something to the city. To the gay community here. Prisms is what this town THINKS gay life is like here. I want to change that.
MICK: You want to kill your competition.
DAVIS: That's your opinion.
MICK: You sound like our old mayor.

Davis asked me along in case Mick brought some goons to rough him up, but it was pretty clear this guy is a broken man.

After getting a few investors onboard, Davis is ready to buy Prisms and tear the place down.

DAVIS: Time to sign, Mick.
MICK: Everybody in this town is going to want your head on a plate for this.
DAVIS: Won't be the first time. Now sign.

Mick took the pen, and with one signature--

MICK: Done.

--John Davis just shut down Prisms.

The Inbox

2010-03-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Ritchie.

ADAM: Hey Ritchie.

This is my new semi-roommate.

ME: Hello Adam.

Joey moved back in, and he brought Adam with him.

I could kick, scream, and shout, but Joey is convinced that I set fire to my club and he has evidence that could definitely make it look that way, so for the time being, I have to suck it up.

At least, on the surface.

ME: Hey, my laptop is broken. Do you think I could use Joey's?
ADAM: Um, I don't know. He gets picky about that.
ME: Well, I'll use it right in front of you. I just need to check my Facebook.
ADAM: Uh, okay. I guess if you're going to use it right here.

I sat down next to Adam.

Come on, Joey, I thought. Be the little slimy heartbreaker I know you can be.

ME: Okay--
ADAM: Um, you're on Joey's Facebook.
ME: You're right. I should--Oops, I'm in his Sent box.
ADAM: Ritchie, stop.
ME: Is this a message to Davis?
ADAM: You need to--Wait, let me see that.

Look at that. Joey was telling Davis that he misses him.

ADAM: He slapped him across the face!
ME: Maybe he's into that sort of thing.
ADAM: Hey!
ME: Yeah, I guess I would know. The walls in this place are so thin and--

The door to the apartment opened, and Joey walked in.

ME: Hi Joey.
JOEY: What are you two doing?
ADAM: Looking at your slutty messages to Davis.

Well, what do you know?

I missed having roommates after all.

Mark It Down

2010-03-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Billy.

KURT: You know, changing the floor is a lot better when you can have sex halfway through it.

My boyfriend, Kurt, and I were the last ones left in the store we work at. Needless to say, we had a little fun on the discard pile.

ME: That was cool.
KURT: Just cool?
ME: Cool is pinnacle for me. Nobody gets 'cool' from me.
KURT: And I got a 'cool?'
ME: Yup.
KURT: Amazing. Anyone else ever get a 'cool?'

Jeremy.

ME: Uh...nope.
KURT: Awesome.

Kurt is really sensitive when it comes to Jeremy. He knows that we meant a lot to each other, and he worries that he won't live up to the hype.

To be honest, sometimes I worry about it too.

KURT: So, I want to talk to you about something.
ME: No, I do not think we can, in good faith, redistribute that sweater after--
KURT: No, it's about us.

Oh boy.

KURT: Look, being in that explosion really changed things for me. I have a whole new outlook on life now. I want to seize it. I want to embrace it.
ME: You want to eat sushi in land-locked states?
KURT: Huh?
ME: That was...a joke.

A Jeremy joke.

KURT: I want to get married.

WHAT?!

ME: Kurt--
KURT: I know, it's crazy. We haven't known each other that long, but I love you.
ME: I...

I don't--

ME: I love you, too.
KURT: So--let's do this? Right?

If he had just asked, I could have said 'No.' But the way he said, 'Right?'

It was like--

ME: Sure.

It was just like that.

Looks like I'm getting married.